Need help. Scared, confused pt 2

[Jefe]

When someone lashes they are not thinking about the effect their words have on the other person. They are lashing to obtain a result. Once they achieve their goal they stop lashing. But because they were so goal-oriented during the fight, they are usually completely un-empathetic toward the person they destroyed while trying to reach their goal.

In fact, if you confront them they usually blame the person they lashed at. It was “your” fault because “you” hindered “me” from accomplishing “my” goal. If you would have (fill in the blank) then I wouldn’t have been forced to (fill in the blank).

This is maddening if you are on the receiving end because you want to say, “Your behavior crossed the line. You are psychotic.”

But if you do this you give the person lashing another goal: Prove you wrong. Because if you wouldn’t have (fill in the blank) then I wouldn’t have been forced to (fill in the blank) then you wouldn’t think my behavior crossed the line. And now the circle has begun and you are in a state on agitation all the time.

So let’s stop the circle.

This is why I want to validate your hurt. Because you need someone to validate your feelings of hurt.

You need someone to tell you that you have a right to be hurt by everything your wife did. You also need someone to tell you that she never had a right to threaten you with divorce and the destruction of your marriage.

This was a very mean thing to do. She took the most sacred thing you gave her—which was your heart—and used it as a weapon. Your spouse’s heart should be off limits in a fight.

Hope, you make me feel as though you've been watching this entire marriage unfold right before you. That last paragraph just turned on the water works. Thank you, I feel like the giant weight on my head just got a little lighter.

Yes, our fights escalate to thermonuclear in a matter of seconds, like crazy fast. It always happens after a certain line is crossed (I never know what that is) and it ramps so violently that once the pin is pulled, there's no putting it back. Yup, you guessed it, ALWAYS my fault. Sometimes the pieces are so hard to put back together. This is not the first time she has held the marriage hostage and it hurts deeply every single time. I have a friend that always says "shoot the hostage" but that is a step I'm just not willing to take at this point.

She sent some texts 3 weeks into the separation that seemd like she had a clue what she had done and was trying to figure out how to piece it back together, but it was short lived when I pressed for more information.

Your wife will never see what she is doing to you because she is trying to emotionally survive just like you are. You think she has the emotional capacity to see the impact of her actions. She does not. No one does when they are in survival mode. This is why people come back years later expressing regret saying they felt like they were in a fog.

Its the weirdest thing too, she simply cannot have something of huge magnitude be her fault its like it will permanently damage her if it is or something. My MIL is the exact same way. Very difficult to deal with sometimes. That being said, here's the thing. I bet a million dollars that if I changed my behavior, hers would be nothing to deal with. I have been an a$$ of a husband. I have been critical when I should have been kind, I have kept score when I should have kept her close, I have loved other things when I should have loved her, I have found fault when I should have simply built up the wonderful traits she has displayed to me over the years. In the last 8 years, she has filled my cup more than everyone else in my life combined. I have not returned the favor. I just pray it's not to late to love her like I should.

But if you begin the process of healing and take yourself out of emotional survival mode you give her permission to concentrate on herself.

I'm trying so hard. I'm still emotionally swinging all over the place but I have gotten better at not letting her see it. I did cry in front of my D5 last night, I just could not contain it. They miss all of us together so much.

Hope, your name is very appropriate, because you have given me real hope.

Ready to roll up my sleeves and fix my marriage.