Again, I want to stress I did not tell Jefe to send flowers to his wife. I tried to explain the difference between romance and pursuit.
Although I respect how men view these definitions as the same thing, I think we may have identified a problem. The definitions of "romance" and "pursuit" are not the same. But I'm not going to get trapped in the weeds on this. I encourage Jefe to use common sense on this issue.
I would like to discuss the “Lasher” issue which, Jefe, I feel is a huge stumbling block when it comes to reconciliation.
Let me start by validating your emotions.
You are 100% right to want your wife to acknowledge how her words and/or actions crossed the line.
When someone lashes they are not thinking about the effect their words have on the other person. They are lashing to obtain a result. Once they achieve their goal they stop lashing. But because they were so goal-oriented during the fight, they are usually completely un-empathetic toward the person they destroyed while trying to reach their goal.
In fact, if you confront them they usually blame the person they lashed at. It was “your” fault because “you” hindered “me” from accomplishing “my” goal. If you would have (fill in the blank) then I wouldn’t have been forced to (fill in the blank).
This is maddening if you are on the receiving end because you want to say, “Your behavior crossed the line. You are psychotic.”
But if you do this you give the person lashing another goal: Prove you wrong. Because if you wouldn’t have (fill in the blank) then I wouldn’t have been forced to (fill in the blank) then you wouldn’t think my behavior crossed the line. And now the circle has begun and you are in a state on agitation all the time.
So let’s stop the circle.
This is why I want to validate your hurt. Because you need someone to validate your feelings of hurt.
You need someone to tell you that you have a right to be hurt by everything your wife did. You also need someone to tell you that she never had a right to threaten you with divorce and the destruction of your marriage.
This was a very mean thing to do. She took the most sacred thing you gave her—which was your heart—and used it as a weapon. Your spouse’s heart should be off limits in a fight.
When people use marriage as a weapon it has a nuclear bomb effect. Not only do you live through the destruction of the bomb but then you live in radio-active land which is virtually uninhabitable. And when you are living in an uninhabitable land the goal is to survive at all costs.
The reason why it is important to work on only changing you is because both you and your wife have been living in nuclear fallout.
Your wife will never see what she is doing to you because she is trying to emotionally survive just like you are. You think she has the emotional capacity to see the impact of her actions. She does not. No one does when they are in survival mode. This is why people come back years later expressing regret saying they felt like they were in a fog.
But if you begin the process of healing and take yourself out of emotional survival mode you give her permission to concentrate on herself.
