Healing or Stuck?

[sage]

Hey Tal,

So your post hit home for me in a couple of ways...guess I should get that out there as "full disclosure" (you know when something resonates a bit too close to home?)

Anyway...I agree with the other responses that suggest that focusing on your responses while also taking into account that Wolfie has likely been dealing with residue around honesty and what that meant to other people in his life (and their reactions,etc) sounds like a good way to go. Not easy. But a good way to go.

A couple of things jumped out at me so I'll just throw them out there..

1. I'm wondering if this isn't getting totally lumped together in Wolfie's mind...in other words, your concerns about his honesty re. FF is getting jumbled up with him wanting to be forgiven re. the A. And while I don't GET why THEY don't get it ( ) that somehow if you can be very clear that you're separating the two things... (wanting honesty from him re. ffs vs moving on from the A) then maybe it will be more palatable?

around new year's h and I had a painful discussion because I was feeling as though he might be in contact with ow. he said to me during the conversation that I would "always" have an issue with "whatever friend" he had so what did it matter? I took that hard and felt very, very hurt by it -- a la -- what do I have to do to show you that I'm working my butt off to trust you?

but sort of hearing wolfie say the same thing makes me wonder a bit if I'm not missing what h is truly trying to say?

Sage blathers on.

2. wolfie's response of "why would you want to be with me if I'm so screwed up" has been said many a time in our household. I think it stems from h feeling **shamed** by me...does that make sense? I'm not so much saying that I am "shaming" as that he feels "shamed". It seems to be a very big sore spot for h...maybe for wolfie, too?

this weekend, h and I had a fight. the details aren't too important but I considered it a small fight...we were out, he did something, I got mad, he got mad, I apologized for my part on the way home, he withdrew and didn't talk or deal with me until the next morning when he apologized.

While apologizing he said "honey, did I ruin everything?" meaning, at a minimum, did I ruin the night? and perhaps, did I ruin our vacation?

It really made me sit up and take notice in a way that I haven't before. I had spent much of the night feeling like crap with h withdrawn because I was scared and alone and figured that he was mad. But what it really seemed was that he was feeling scared and alone and as though he had ruined everything...what a burden to carry over a small (to me!) fight!

Anyway...I partly winced when I read the words "character flaw" in your posting...sounds like wolfie is scared more than anything.

So...lots of words and little insight.

I DO know that you guys WILL rally, though, 'cause you seem to do so GREAT with the hard stuff.

Sage