Thank you for taking the time to respond to my babbling, Maybell and Claire. Your collective and separate wisdom is an inspiration, especially right now.
I really need you to believe that I'll get through this, Maybell, because I just don't see it.
Claire, are they stubborn or self-righteous or just completely turned off like a machine inside? I'm not able to hold my head up high yet. I was there once but I've fallen down hard. I'm afraid to get up again. I don't want to fall again.
He already is a fool but I will work hard, somehow, to make him even more of one should he continue to not want to work on something that would make us both proud.
I know I'm not weak. I don't feel like I have the strength to carry this right now but I'm not weak. I do feel powerless. Completely control-less. Weren't we all told that hard work and dedication will get you what you want? It's just not true. It's just not.
Acceptance and resignation (not surrender) are two things I need to work on but I'm tired of working on me. I need uplifting. Strength. Something to look forward to. Consistency. I don't even know where to look for it.
I've been friend-like with him because that's where we started. He even said that the way we've been interacting reminds him of 1996 (when we met) and that we are probably best off being friends. Being cold or businesslike just gives him ammo. I don't want to be his friend.
He did say he'd be open to MC. Actually what he said was, "sure, I'll go to MC if you want. I guarantee that within the first two sessions you'll walk out because I'm going to be honest!".
At this point I don't know what MC could do for us. How do I know if I should go dark? If we should try MC? If I should just give up?
