The Goddess of Goats Thrives Alone on Her Mountain

[GoatGal]

Nope.
He did text me last night with his various commitments, so I know he does have something to do for work that means he'd have to stay later than usual.

He's back to giving me his "reasons" and whereabouts again. For now.

He'll be here in the morning so I can leave for the weekend.

I still see small improvements, like hanging around more, saying he misses things about being here... just little things.

Like just about everyone else on here, when you start seeing these small things, there is a desire to want to move things ahead...and I have to stop myself from expecting anything but a continued ride on the roller coaster.

I notice the ride is slowing down; it's not nearly as bumpy, but it still is nowhere near being over.

I find now that things are calmer, I am angrier. I haven't allowed myself to feel this very much lately, but now that he's getting friendlier--I find it irritating.

As if it should all just be hunky-dory, that he has no clue of the devastation he has caused, and that he may never.

It's still very much about him and whatever he wants.

I think it's pretty clear by now that he is extremely sensitive to perceived criticism or rejection, and his comments about wanting to "talk" I believe are his way of trying to get me to say something that will give him a direction.

I am not inclined to do this for many reasons.

I think the biggest one is that if he is is unwilling/unable to make the smallest step towards me because he is afraid, then me taking it for him just perpetuates his problem.

As they say around here, "he's got to put on his Big Boy Pants" and take a bit of a risk, either way. Maybe I'll be upset, maybe not. Maybe I'll say something he doesn't like.

That's life. If I have survived these last two years, he can certainly man up enough to say what's on his mind without Mommy promising him everything will be okay if he says how he feels.

I think he is well aware of how I feel and what I need. And what I don't want, and will not accept from him.

No need to rehash it. Either he can offer to make changes of his own free will to see where it leads us, or he won't.

I am not asking him to come back, or accepting certain behaviors if he is living under this roof. I think it is reasonable that, as his wife, I would not be comfortable with him engaging in certain activities, and therefore, I will not allow them in my house.
(As long as it is my house.)

He knows what those things are. He knows what he needs to do. I will not repeat myself.

I will not ask him to do anything. He will only resent me later, and also try to hide things from me if he never wanted to quit doing them in the first place.

The days for that sort of thing are OVER.

As for him wanting to know "my plans", (all nice and laid out for him so he can avoid putting anything on the line himself), that also will not happen.

I don't yet know what my plans are, other than it will not look very much as he has described in his fantasy version of what our respective lives will look like after divorce.
I only know that once I'm gone, I'll be gone, and he will be out of my life.


He still has no clue as to the reality of the situation, or as to my personal heartache and concerns about the future.

He thinks I can just move out, take a "bunch of dogs", go live with my mother, find an apartment somewhere that allows me to have eight dogs, while I work full-time... and that he'll still have all his money, this house, time and money to complete the remodel, eventually finding his "soul-mate", since he'll have plenty of free time to date all the woman who seem so interested in him in the virtual world, while he retires comfortably at age 65 with his IRA/401K intact.


Riiiiggghhhttt. La-La Land!


At least, this is what he used to think and I have no indication that he has realized that this will not be the case.

So I find myself more and more annoyed with him, the more I see the man I knew.

I'm not sure why that is, but it seems to be the case.

Today, I pretty much hate his guts for what he's done.

Tomorrow is a different day, and thank goodness I will be away from here, away from him, doing what I love with people who actually care about me.

It also drives one point home every time:

That he is the ONLY person in my life who would prefer to avoid me on every level, and he has for some time.
As he has said: 'I just have never LIKED spending time with you".

Nice.

And what am I going to be losing, exactly?

Not a whole heck of a lot.

At least that's how I feel about it today.

GoatGoal needs GUBU like.... like.... arrrgh.

Loss for words.

THAT NEVER HAPPENS!


--(G)GGG