Inside My chrysalis 5

[Card29]

Hi Ss,

Sorry for the long response. I had a lot of thoughts while reading your comment.

No, you are not evil. He could still be in the early stages of his fog. It could be a very long haul. Look at some of the reconciled M's around here... many went through 1.5-2.5 year S's, most of that time waiting on the WAS to be ready to work.

He also said that he has to know 100% that the marriage will work before coming back because once he moves back in, moving back out will be too hard on D and he's not willing to do that so he wouldn't consider returning until he KNEW with absolute certainty that the marriage will be a success.

I also can't make that happen.

You can't, but I'd imagine you guys would need quite a bit of time piecing before a move-in happened.

Do you feel like you have done everything you can so far to address and change those issues inside of you that he speaks of? I'm not asking if you've fully corrected them already, just making sure you believe you're walking the right path. Was anything he said new to the self-change section of your 180 list, perhaps something you forgot about? Don't lose sight of what should be your primary focus right now: YOU. Even D7 is a close second, because she needs a healthy mom, just like a child on a depressurized airplane needs their parent to have their oxygen mask on before the child has their own.

But while you do have a lot of work to do, and you had a large hand in the destruction of your M, you and I all know he played a large part, too. You are correct to not promise immediate perfection, all with only changes from you. He needs to change a lot, too. And that is where DB comes in. You can't convince him of that, he needs to learn it. You can definitely suggest it to him - when he's ready to hear it! You will know when those moments are happening, like when...

I told him that I just wanted the opportunity. Just the opportunity to work on it with him. Totally pursuing, I know, but he needed to hear that and I'm starting to wonder if some of these DB principles just don't work.

"No R talk" doesn't mean "no R talk ever again". It is "No R talk until WAS is ready". It sounds like your WAH was ready to hear that - it was in the middle of a long R talk that HE initiated. There may have been a better way to phrase it to sound less needy or demanding (ideas anyone?), but I don't think the content of the message was inappropriate in this context.

DB doesn't promise to save your M. It can't. No system or technique can. It does give us a much better chance than most techniques, though. I think when we are in the cold WAS stage (like most of us), it is cut-and-dry: 180, GAL, detach, Sandi's 37, etc. It seems like it becomes more personalized when the WAS initiates R talk (are they still cold? hopeful? angry? positive? remorseful? There is no one-size fits all for R talk with these different WAS's), and then lots of things change with the plan when reconciliation/piecing begins.

Also, from what you're telling us from your convo last night, your WAH is asking for exactly what DB asks of you (aside from the over-demanding expectations of it all being on you):

- Permanent changes in YOU, relating to behaviors and traits that contributed to the demise of the M
- Space for him to get out of his fog, to figure out what he wants, to make his own changes, etc.

It STINKS that he still wants that space and is not interested right now in joining you in building the M, but if he's not ready, he's not ready. Nothing you, I, any C, any book or any internet forum can do about that. Maybe he just needs more time to realize that what he's asking is unreasonable, but that it's about progress, not perfection. If you are indeed NOT a monster, then he also has a LOT to realize about what he needs to change in himself. If he thinks you are the problem and killing the M will make him happy forever, then he is doomed to repeat history with his next S. I also don't know what chance you guys would stand if he did come back to you right now with that attitude and belief. At first you might be relieved to have your H back, but he would continue to be disappointed (if he's looking for perfection, not progress) and eventually you would become disheartened. You would KNOW there are things he needs to change but he refuses to. That would quickly get old. Here's hoping he pulls his head out of his ***.