H came over last night and we talked for about 4.5 hours. I did not initiate it.
He talked about how he is trying to find ways to rewrite some of the repetitive "tapes" in his head of me saying things to him that made him feel inadequate. Things like how I always said he wasn't a good traveler or a bad driver. He said that things like that kept him from doing things he has always wanted to do like travel to see the fall leaves which is why he is going on November 1 to NY. He wants to show himself that he is NOT a bad traveler and reframe that sentiment in his head. Same thing with driving and many other things.
He said that in order for him to come back with both feet into the marriage he would need to KNOW 100% that there will be ZERO triggers for him. That things would be NOTHING even close to how they were before.
I told him I could commit to the later but the former was completely out of my control and the standard was too high. !00% is impossible and I'm only human.
He said, "well that's the rub because that's what I have to have".
Okay.
He also said that he has to know 100% that the marriage will work before coming back because once he moves back in, moving back out will be too hard on D and he's not willing to do that so he wouldn't consider returning until he KNEW with absolute certainty that the marriage will be a success.
I also can't make that happen.
He is working on many things about himself. He's holding less in so he has less to be resentful about going forward but he's still holding on to a lot of pain and resentment about the past.
He said there's no way to wipe the slate clean. Just no way.
He said that if he comes back it wouldn't be a day of celebration but a somber day because he'd have to wait for happiness whereas he could just simply be happy immediately if he got a divorce and put a "steak in the heart of the marriage".
I feel like these impossible expectations are only asking for failure. I told him that and he said that he knows that, which is why he doesn't think it'll work.
He also said though that many of the things he's working through are only supporting his desire for a divorce but that he also knows that the night is always darkest before the dawn. Whatever that really means.
He admitted that some of what he's working through has to do with his parents (feelings of inadequacy among many other things), his own lack of self care and then the stuff I did to him during our marriage and the pain of that.
I feel like I'm being held accountable for ALL of that pain. I can definitely be mindful of sensitivities that have developed from his childhood issues and his own, self created insecurities, but I shouldn't be held responsible for triggering all of them. How do I handle that?
I can't reverse the pain he has from outside of our marriage or whatever came before. There aren't many limits to my commitment to getting this marriage back but I cannot fix things I did not break and to be required to is unfair and unreasonable.
After I asked, he said he did see "some" of his role in our marriage demise but he also said he felt like he gave me everything he could but that I let him down the last year by not turning around the marriage as I'd promised.
I told him I didn't know how. That I tried and I was doing what I knew how to do very slowly and carefully but it clearly wasn't fast enough and intense enough to save anything. I told him I was angry that it was my sole responsibility to change the direction of the marriage. He said he'd done all he could and could barely make it through the day over the last year so it could only be me.
I told him that I just wanted the opportunity. Just the opportunity to work on it with him. Totally pursuing, I know, but he needed to hear that and I'm starting to wonder if some of these DB principles just don't work.
He specifically said to me that my up beat attitude and friendliness towards him and his in return was in no way any indication that he was considering a future together or anything other than keeping things cordial for our D.
Great.
I don't know where to go from here. He wants the impossible and I'm supposed to provide it alone and perfectly.
