Need help to save my marriage

[Lmsm]

I understand your concerns and would like to explain.

I accept responsibility for that night.

I wasn't drinking with only men, it was men and women for most of the night. When I went to play pool I was the only female there, I do admit that. I was already intoxicated by this point and only had one other drink while over there. The men I went next door with are 20+'years older and disabled, one of them is my best friends husband, I take them to Drs. Appointment and cook for them a few times a week, I am not threatened by them (or my husband) and they are very protective of me. Bottom line, I shouldn't have gone next door- I get that. I was naive, I wasn't thinking, I had no reason to think anything would happen.

I know I am at fault for drinking without my husband there, 100% at fault and I accept that. If I wasn't drinking this incident wouldn't have happened. I DON'T feel at fault for another guy pushing me up against a wall and forcefully kissing/ groping me. I am NOT responsible for him not understanding that "no means no". I shut down, I didn't know what to do, I don't know why I kissed back. I was stunned- like a deer in the headlights. Im not attracted to him, he's a smoker ( I can't stand kissing a smoker- sorry if that offends anyone), he knew I wasn't interested and that I was happily married. I have never been attacked before. I wasn't giving him any reason to think I was interested, I was talking about my husband the whole night. I do believe he would have tried to rape me if I wouldn't have pushed him off and left the house.

I didn't tell my husband because I was embarrassed, I felt violated, I didn't want to relive that night, I didn't want to cause more issues between them, and I was scared to tell him.

I have had issues since that night. Anxiety around guys when I'm not with my husband, I never go anywhere alone, I didn't drink unless I was with my husband or at home- not even with just female friends, I was even diagnosed anxiety, all of this was prior to the separation. Since the separation I was diagnosed with severe depression. I am currently not taking meds for anxiety or depression since I'm scared of the side effects. I also have ADHD and take medication daily.

Since my husband found out I have stopped drinking all together, even when with him. I'm going to church when I'm not at the apartment with him (5 hrs away), and I've started weekly therapy. I really don't go anywhere alone, but that's not really new. He's always had access to my location, texts, emails, and phone calls.

Since my affair 13 years ago I have made sure I don't go places alone- so he's not wondering where I'm at or who I'm with. I don't "go out" without my husband- I may go out for dinner with a few friends when my husband is working out of town but never a bar/club etc. I always put my husband on a pedestal- cook for him and serve him food, all his laundry, tell him I love him all the time (until we separated at least, now only sometimes), we have an amazing sex life, I don't argue with him, he's the "man of the house", I even clip his toenails...... I am a southern girl- can you tell?? Basically I spoil my husband and I enjoy it.

I just want help earning my husbands love and trust back. I don't know wether to back off and risk pushing him away or keep going to see him. Currently I'm not begging him to stay anymore, trying to explain what happened that night (he doesn't like to talk about it), telling him I love him all the time, I am not being as clingy. I don't know how to proceed.

I want him to know that I love him, but don't want to push him away by saying it all the time. I try to act happy around him, but that's hard sometimes when I can't act like we did before he found out. I do break down sometimes and will go to another room. He has said "that's a turn off" when he sees me upset. Should I still plan weekend getaways when I'm with him or leave him cards and notes so he will find them? He has told me he likes finding my little notes- they are usually short and thank him for a nice weekend and I love him and hope to see him again soon.

I'm lost and need the help of experts.