Need help. Scared, confused pt 2

[Jefe]

Hope, you're officially off moderation now so your stuff will show up in real time moving forward. Lots to digest but let me touch on it briefly.

Jefe,

Let me ask you something…

When she told you that “you were not together anymore and would not be together anymore”

…was this really the FIRST time she said something like this? Really?

If not, then I tend to think these words were thrown at you more for effect. “NOTICE ME!” More than “I want a divorce.”

You said she is a lasher and this text was sent after an argument. I’ll bet you yelled before she lashed. And she lashed very effectively. She sent you a really mean text and unfriended you on FB. Ouch. This is why I take the words less seriously than if it was said during a counseling session.

However make no mistake. I still take her threats seriously. The #1 problem with lashers is they don’t know when to stop and they don’t know how to “let it go.” So you have to shut it down. And by “shut it down” I mean you have to take control and stop the escalation.

Tonight is a good example of how you took control of the marriage by not allowing escalation. You were put in a situation perfect for escalation but you didn’t escalate. Instead of quizzing her about the job—you congratulated her.

No, not the first time at all. This is about the 3rd or 4th time and almost always in response to something I've said or done to call her out or question her. And no, she has no clue when to stop and will usually go for scorched earth before she lets up. I have tears streaming down my face for her because I fell so bad that I know she wishes she could take some things back and simply can't or doesn't know how. I also have not built a save haven for her to be able to confess or speak freely. My sponsor just said this morning that she probabally feels trapt. If she comes and tells me the truth about OM she thinks I am going to beat her up and if she just walks away and continues the cover-up, I am going to beat her up.

She sent me a text a few days before this separation took a darker tone about 5 weeks ago that said "you know I love you" and I responded no, I didn't know that. I think this speaks volumes for both of us.

Translation:

"I am completely aware that I am not displaying love the way my wife needs it. This is not because I do not love my wife. I do love my wife very much. I love her more than she will ever know. I guarantee this because I will not express it in a forum that she is comfortable in. However, this is not as important to me as continuing to display love in a manner that suits my comfort. It is my hope that someday my wife will understand me and my needs to the point that she can be fulfilled by the type of loving expressions that make me comfortable. In the meantime, I will be surprised when other men meet her emotional needs."

Re-translation, the old me would do just that, I am completely ready and willing to change. I just need a little guideance so I can measure up.

Would she mind if you tried to fight for her job? By that I mean is this something she would appreciate you doing for her? Because this might be something in your control...if she wants it.

You could go to the Church and ask them to reconsider keeping your wife. You can be completely honest about the status of your marriage. She is estranged and you want to reconcile. You can tell them that you believe your marriage has a stronger chance of success if your wife works in a Christian environment with like-minded believers than in a secular environment where divorce is a normal behavior.

She would mind very much. She would view this as controlling and it's part of what's pushing her farther away. I have been secretly fight for her job. But she is choosing to quit and my gut right now says honor that and put up zero fight and she will respect that more. She is expecting me to fight for it. And it always works against me.