Hugs to you. I'm so sorry you have had such a rough past few days.
One thing that helped me was to tell my husband that he didn't need to tell me where he was going or who he was with. That all I really need to know to be happy is A) that he's going out with friends and B) when he expects to be home.
I've trained myself to know that when he says he's "Going out with friends" to respond with.."Ok, have a great time!"
If he tells me he's going to go hang out with a specific friend, by telling me her name, I tend to get all anxious and upset.
So, this way I get to self-soothe, and avoid dwelling on this one girl whom I still don't trust. And I show him that I trust him and don't begrudge him time with his friends.
It's been working really well, and I don't think he feels like he's living in a fishbowl, or asking my permission.
Yeah, I know that lesbians have R issues too--at least the ones I know. At least the aruguments would be in the same language though!
Wolfie has lots of great qualities, but he does have issues with holding resentments, projecting, and accountability in general.
When he told me about this thing he was doing about letting us all know where he is all the time--I had a feeling it was going to go sideways. He makes out like he's doing this huge thing-- even though we have always had a standard in our household of being considerate about such things with each other. It's not a matter of asking permission--but of consideration.
However, I expressly told him that he doesn't have to feel required to tell me he's going from one store to another while he's in town. I have never acted like he needs my permission to go do anything or kept tabs on him or interrogated him about his whereabouts--ever.
I knew as soon as he said that he was going to do this thing as "amends" and so that we could all feel "safe and secure about him" that he was going to start building up a resentment about it and taking it out on me--even though I never asked him to do it in the first place!
Quite honestly, I think that he just doesn't want any more repeats of the "XOW sighting" the kids thought they had when they said they thought they had seen him with her in his car. It's about self-protection not about amends.
To me, it's just more passive-agressive games and I don't like being given a "gift" then being told how much he resents giving the "gift" and playing martyr about the whole thing.
Even though he's grown a great deal over the last year, he can still be very passive agressive and self-centered. I'm not cutting him down--just being realistic about what I see.
He doesn't want to be reminded in any way that he screwed up, even if that means ignoring my feelings and keeping our R stuck in some unhealthy places. He doesn't want to deal with his guilt because it is too humbling. If he feels discomfort, he believes that it is because I am "making" him feel that way and so...that makes it all my "fault".
I can know all this and know that I love him despite his imperfections and dysfunctions. That doesn't mean I won't stand up for myself if he plays passive-agressive mind games.
I can deal with a lot of things--but this threatening to abandon us as emotional blackmail is a deal breaker for me. Last time has to be the last time.
It's been a bit tense the past few days. Wolfie has been reverting to some old behavior. He's been somewhat cold and distant and much of the affection and connection that we had been having before the argument is now--well, I won't say gone--but definately not visible right now. Any attempt I make to break through the tension has been rebuffed.
At the same time--he's doing all of this intense wedding planning stuff . He really confuses the heck out of me sometimes!
Tal -- You guys had a pretty intense exchange...my 2 cents is that maybe Wolfie is just pulling back from that to regroup? TBH, I'd just keep doing the great job you already are and let him decide when he's ready to "reemerge".
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage, I've been thinking along the same lines. I think that the level of intimacy we'd been getting to is frightening to him & he needed to pull back a bit. I'm still a bit ticked about him trying to fight with me (low blows included) even when it was obvious that I wasn't going to take the bait and fight back.
I keep remembering something Shiny said about him interpreting my proddings as messages of "how he is failing me" and I'm sure that has something to do with it.
Just making an observation. Could it possibly be that Wolfie is preoccupied with himself and his feelings of woe is me and not so focused on how his actions affect you?
Didn't know if he is familiar with I statements and selflessly caring for you, DR principles and so forth. If not, he may just be operating the only way he knows how. If he is shown another way to operate, maaaaybe he would do things differently? If he is already familiar with these principles, he might have forgotten how to apply them as we all do sometimes? Just thoughts. At least he is trying, maybe he makes those statements because he wants to be appreciated for what he does, he feels vulnerable doing them. Not trying to defend his actions, you have every right to feel the way you do.
Well, that's odd, Seattle--because that's the OTHER conclusion I've come to.
He IS quite self-centered and easily gets on a self-pity trip. He does have a lot of difficulty empathizing with me or understanding how his behavior affects me.
There is just no way around this--that is how he is and there just is no sugar-coating it. Do I love him dispite these flaws? Yes, very much. If he didn't have a lot of other great qualities, I wouldn't have been with him all these years.
The problem is, there are still days that I wonder if I can live with it--love or not. These characteristics in him are much of what led to him getting involved with another woman in the first place. If I saw him facing those characteristics head on and wanting to grow--I wouldn't be so scared.
He thinks his POV is all RIGHT and mine is all WRONG regarding the basics of what it takes to rebuild our relationship. He wants a "do-over" and get's pissed that I'm the kind of person who needs to process things.
Ya think you could take a two hour drive up my way and 'splain a few things to the man??? Just--kidding! LOLOL
Wolfie, you have some splainin to do! I'll bring Poe's 2x4, just tell me where he's at LOL!
I used to be that way too. Pity party for me because I do so much. I woke up when I realized I was going to lose the most important thing in my life. I quit worrying about me so much, my giver took control after my taker was so much in control.
You have every right to feel the way you do. Going through the processing is very tough. I sometimes wonder if I ever get to the point you are if I will be able to process it and let go. Once you have gone through this it is a tough deal to not feel like you are giving so much and it is not appreciated. Boy do I feel that way now.
Just know he is trying, he just isn't as smart as you. He doesn't have the tools and knowledge to know what you know. That all of that self-centered BS is not what love and M is all about. Hey, some guys learn real slow. Think of him like a big puppy dog, he doesn't know what he is doing when he chews up your favorite shoe and brings it to you. He just thought you would like your favorite shoe.
Question for you, you posted on my thread about MC. Do you have a good MC you could recommend in our part of the world?
Ya know--he told me from the start that he worried that he might me too self-centered and selfish to have a long-term relationship--but it wasn't until I understood the behavior surrounding the A that I fully appreciated that! Oh well--que sera, ya know?
I appreciate the insight from the formerly self-centered point of view. The difference between the way we approach things came out pretty quickly in MC.
He explained to the MC that he saw us as two opposing factions--and I couldn't figure out what he was talking about. I don't think in those terms at all. To me, it's about two people trying to work together for the benefit of something that's bigger than either of us individually--being the R.
So, I guess when I make an adjustment or a consescion--I don't think in terms of me giving/him taking--I think in terms of being willing to take care of the R.
