Tarheel .. I have no words really, that letter is a tough one thats for sure, we are all hoping for the best regardless of the outcome of any of our M ... I think deep down we just want to see our fellow DB's at peace and happy .. All I can do is wish that for you during this tough time.
Tar - I stopped updating my own situation because yours seemed to be a virtual clone of mine - a lot of limbo, a lot of 'forced' compromises and an overarching lack of decision or commitment one way or the other. I have gotten advice through your posts and vet replies and I see you doing a lot of the same things I did. As I have said before, my situation is a little more progressed than yours is and I could almost predict her actions, as well as yours. I heard all the same responses and reacted in all the same ways.
I am really sorry that you received that letter this morning. I totally empathize with the feelings of anger and betrayal that you thought you had at bay and how they came rushing back.
The one thing I can tell you that I learned is this: When you are finally able to really let go, you will suddenly find yourself in such a calm place of peace where everything may not be right with the world and where everything may not be the way you envisioned it but where everything is OK. When you get to this spot, you will not want to go back to the chaos and turmoil that you've been living since BD.
I think its very difficult for those of us that internalize and honor our commitments to others to get to that place - I suppose this may be because those commitments have really become a part of who we are and what we believe in. However, when you do, it will be a very liberating experience.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
The one thing I can tell you that I learned is this: When you are finally able to really let go, you will suddenly find yourself in such a calm place of peace where everything may not be right with the world and where everything may not be the way you envisioned it but where everything is OK. When you get to this spot, you will not want to go back to the chaos and turmoil that you've been living since BD.
I think its very difficult for those of us that internalize and honor our commitments to others to get to that place - I suppose this may be because those commitments have really become a part of who we are and what we believe in. However, when you do, it will be a very liberating experience.
Dingo, this is perfect, every word. Any advice on how to get there?
So how to move forward?- I've got to continue to GAL, spending time with the kids, going to church and focusing on making myself a better person.
My feelings being what they are right now, I'm dreading any future interactions with W. School events, holidays, coordinating schedules for kids... I have no desire to even speak with her right now. It's too bad that it took her over a year and an OM to realize what I realized maybe 2 mos after BD- that we needed to work on ourselves.
MC asked me what I'd say if W came back 6 mos from now saying she wanted to work on us. It's obviously too soon to answer a question like that, but I only hope that I can continue to use this time to focus on improving myself so that should that scenario happen, I'm in a better place emotionally than right now.
The one thing I can tell you that I learned is this: When you are finally able to really let go, you will suddenly find yourself in such a calm place of peace where everything may not be right with the world and where everything may not be the way you envisioned it but where everything is OK. When you get to this spot, you will not want to go back to the chaos and turmoil that you've been living since BD.
I think its very difficult for those of us that internalize and honor our commitments to others to get to that place - I suppose this may be because those commitments have really become a part of who we are and what we believe in. However, when you do, it will be a very liberating experience.
Dingo, this is perfect, every word. Any advice on how to get there?
BY DBING!!!
Seriously, every 'tactic' of DBing is designed solely to get you to that point. Following sandi's rules, GALing, detaching, taking charge of your own life, taking your spouse off the pedestal...its all for you!
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
So how to move forward?- I've got to continue to GAL, spending time with the kids, going to church and focusing on making myself a better person.
My feelings being what they are right now, I'm dreading any future interactions with W. School events, holidays, coordinating schedules for kids... I have no desire to even speak with her right now. It's too bad that it took her over a year and an OM to realize what I realized maybe 2 mos after BD- that we needed to work on ourselves.
MC asked me what I'd say if W came back 6 mos from now saying she wanted to work on us. It's obviously too soon to answer a question like that, but I only hope that I can continue to use this time to focus on improving myself so that should that scenario happen, I'm in a better place emotionally than right now.
I might also advise you to consider your response to the scenario where she comes back two weeks from now and 'wants to work on the marriage' with half-steps.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
Don't forget, she was in a fog during that year. She was possessed by an alien. Etc. She didn't do anything productive for herself other than maybe learning that OM was a fantasy R.
You're, what, 9 months into DBing? And you're still working on things. You still have a long way to go. You realized a long time ago that this is a LONG road, for you as an individual and for you M, if it is to be reconciled. She is just stepping foot onto that path. She is 9 months behind you. And on top of that, it almost sounds like she WANTS to be in love with you but is feeling guilt/remorse/despair/anxiety that she doesn't feel that way. If it ever comes up in conversation again, remind her of the "rebuild" rule: For every year you're together doing something wrong (in this case sustaining love), it takes that many months of doing it right before you are healed. So if she's waiting for a switch to flip, she'll be waiting forever. Life-long, fulfilling M is hard work, not magic. But it sounds like your best path right now, as suggested by vets, is to go dark as the night and GAL.
When I pray for my WAW, I don't pray that she magically loves me. I pray that she realizes she has lots of things to work on within herself, that she finds the best resources to help her, and that she begins working on them. If you don't believe in prayer, then replace the word pray with "desire" or "wish" or whatever. But I find it encouraging that your W appears to at least be start that walk. Most WAS's seem to come out of their fog more disoriented or misguided than ever, or they are entrenched in their old ways and are doomed to repeat history.
I wish you the best Tarheel, and I'll continue to listen to any updates you share with us.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I might also advise you to consider your response to the scenario where she comes back two weeks from now and 'wants to work on the marriage' with half-steps.
A very good point. It seems like a lot changed in your sitch, Tarheel, just in the last week. Don't have any expectations, but give her a few weeks in your new arrangement (especially if you go dark) and see what it's like then.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
