In looking back at his words and actions this morning...I am angry at him, but I am mostly feeling sad and resigned.
If I had used supreme effort not kept my cool, I could have really lost my temper and been absolutely BRUTAL.
I am still shocked by how deeply self-centered he can be, and have serious doubts for the first time in a long time about this working out. I am remembering something that my IC told me...about how a lot of women my age are conciously choosing to forego trying to have a commited relationship, because men of the same age group can lag so far behind in emotional maturity, that it is just too much of a pain in the butt. I know that there are many exceptions to that--right here on these boards, but Wolfie may very well be one of thse guys and I have not wanted to admit it to myself.
I guess what gets to me the most--is the way he describes the HUGE sacrafice of letting me know where he is going to be (the short-leash in a fisbowl thing) so that we can "feel safe and secure" with him again, then when we have an arguement, he starts packing.
Yes, he's correct that twice in 10 years I have taken off and stayed the night away from home...after two very stunning blows. But we can't argue without him threatening to move out...again? He's only been home for 4 months, after living elsewhere for 9 months. How can that possibly compare? All of that "safety and security" he wanted me to feel by telling me his whereabouts just flew out the window with that "I'm moving out" garbage.
At this point, I think it will be very ifficult to feel safe about talking to him about anything that I feel vulnerable about, but I really need to let him know that if he tries to bully me with that "shut up or I'm leaving" stuff---it will be the last time he threatens that again because I will tell him to leave and to his surprise, I will NOT be tracking him down to beg him to come home and try again.
You know, it burns my butt that he thinks there is something wrong or abnormal about my continuing to have ANY issues about his infidelity left over. If there is something wrong with me still struggeling sometimes--when he has only been home a short time--then that would mean that all of you folks here who's stories let me know just HOW NORMAL my feelings and reactions are--well that would make all of us abnormal I guess.
You know, the last few times that the subject of the A has come up--I haven't delved back into the past to ask questions or talk about the details. I think I have focused on going on from here in a realistic way.
