Keeping it real

[Zues126]

Thanks TRD. The fact is we are all in a rough situation. Not just is on this site, it's the human condition. More than anything I've learned from this to appreciate what I have. I can't decide in my mind what I want and be unhappy if I don't get it. That's addict and childish behavior. I have a wonderful family, great support network, new job, tremendous gifts, and I'm learning to be a great dad. How can I complain!

I keep being amazed at how I'm honestly happier day to day right now than I was in the R. I don't think my STBX is saying that but I'm not smug about that. She's on her own road. I don't feel loving towards her at this time because I've really let to, but I know I still care deeply. I can tell by how often she crosses my mind; and how she still appears in my dreams. Yet it is not her, rather the image of he role she used to play in my life. Now I focus on playing that role for MYSELF. I want to be whole, or made whole by God.

I honk I have it easy because I'm not living in the same house. If I was it would be brutal. As it is I can just keep a LOT of distance. I feel terrible about the kids not being as far removed, but both IC and DB coach say courts and social services wouldn't take the kids away from her unless things got much worse. They would have to be turning up with bruises, missing meals, not getting to school daily, and many more symptoms. IC said unfortunately if we took kids away from bad parents that would be the majority. DB coach said Social Services only takes action to prevent things that have already happened. Bottom line, I have to settle for being the best parent I can be, and supporting them through their journey without undermining their mother.

Thank you all for the support. I'm doing better than ever and maybe that's from your prayers. Also, I am still working on myself. My new mantra is 'what would I do if I wasn't scared of my W'? And realizing the I get to decide my value, not her. I also am being more direct in my communication with her, same general line. More to come, take care!