It was very difficult to come up with a name for this thread that wasn't really negative.

We had a big fight this morning. Actually, a better description would be that Wolfie fought with me, while I tried very hard to stay calm and not let things get out of hand. In many ways, it was typical of arguement for us, and that is why we AVOID conflict.

Wolfie had come home from work, and had gotten into bed, which woke me up. We were talking about a remodeling project we are doing in the bathroom.

He asked he why I had a "funny look" on my face. I told him that there was something that had been bothering me, but I would like to set aside some time to talk about it. I said that the MC had suggested we set aside some time every week to talk, and that we hadn't been doing that. I said that I would like to start doing that--not just about concerns, but to read books or watch videos or whatever about having good relationships.

So he asks what is bothering me, what do I want to talk about? I said that I could list 100 things right now about how much I appreciate him and many ways that I thought our R was better than before. I said I don't want him to feel negated if I have a concern or come to him because I was struggling.

I told him that I was hurt and a little bit mad that the last time I had tried to turn to him, share with him that I was struggling--he had snapped at me and basically told me that I had used up the alloted timeframe he had given me to be able to heal. I said that really scared me to have any area, especially a big one like that, be taboo. That was how bad things had gotten before...by avoiding any issue that caused discomfort...sweeping it all under the rug and having so many unresolved issues that we remained silent about. I told him that I was afraid of going back to that state.

He said he thought that I wanted to keep the pain alive and make him feel guilty by talking about the infidelity. I said that I have, for the most part, taken my healing into my own hands: I read books, I talk to my IC, I talk to other people who have (or are) walking the same path. I told him that I wish he would learn a little bit about what is normal in the aftermath--to be patient with me on those rare times when I DO come to him for help.

I said that it is hard for me to talk to him about painful things. I was conditioned in the past to be emotionally-bullied into silence about anything that makes him feel uncomfortable. I am not trying to punish him or make him feel guilty...if that were my goal it would be very obvious.

I told him that we had been through a crisis in our R that can't be minimized. It takes a long time and effort to get past betrayal. He had said before that one of his biggest fears was that we would be one of those couples that reconciled, but never healed. I said that my goal was to be able to help each other heal--turn to each other instead of away.

He sat up and said, "you always do this...you bring this [censored] up whenever I am getting ready to go to work or need to go to sleep. One of the reasons I was afraid to move back home is because I just KNEW that you wouldn't let this die. You would want to continue beating a dead horse...talk about the affair...rehash the affair...ask the same questions over and over about the affair."

At this point...he's getting up and getting dressed. He says I am playing martyr and wounding my own self by thinking about the affair. He says, "I never should have come home--I knew you were going to do this [censored]."

Now he is pulling everything out of his closet. He says, "I am moving out. You can wonder where I am. I am not going to come back unless you stop doing this crap--that is if you can find me! And I'm taking everything of mine with me so you don't burn it".

He begins telling me all of the negative things that he thinks I am thinking...saying I am manipulitive...sandbagging me with various things he is still holding a grudge for over the years...everything I have ever "done wrong" according to him. This is all very typical of Wolfie during an arguement:

1. Threatened abandonment by either threatening to leave me or storming out.
2. Going on the attack and pulling out every real or perceived misdeed he still holds a resentment about over the 10 years we have been together.
3. Lots of low-blows
4. Doing lots of mind reading. He doesn't listen to anything I am saying--projects a lot of "you think", "you are trying to", "you REALLY mean" . He starts arguing with me about all of his assumptions instead of listening to me.

Sooooo......

I took some deep breaths and calmly told him that I felt he was doing 1, 2 and 3 above and that was not fighting fair.

I said that if he wished to leave, that was his choice...but that I wasn't going to be emotionally bullied into silence like the old days.

Then he starts going on about how I always run away when I am upset. "What about the time you ran off to your friend T's house and wrote me a note that said "F-U" on it? I said that I had needed time to calm down then because I had just found an email on the printer from him to some ff--talking about missing being single and missing being with other women".

Then he said "..and you ran off to T's house again last year". I admitted that I had run that time--I had just asked him if he was cheating on me...he lied through his teeth...and I confirmed that he was lying. I was shattered and heartbroken and so angry that I was afraid that I would hurt him physically.

Here was my low blow...I said "I promise I won't run away again if you promise not to cheat on me and betray me again".

He said that he doesn't know "what more" I want...as he has put himself on a "short leash in a fishbowl" by telling me everywhere he was going to go. He said that he did that out of guilt and he felt like a child having to do it.

I said it was not a "gift" or even being considerate...if he was doing it and resenting doing it and taking his resentment out on me.

He said, "that is how I FEEL".

I said, "feelings are just feelings an not necessarily based in reality--that is why we need to talk and listen to each other and not make assumptions".

I said, "Look Wolfie...try to imagine the tables being turned. Put yourself in my shoes. If I were in your shoes, I would be as patient as I needed to be and look for every way I could to help you heal from the pain I had caused...for as much and as long as he needed. Instead of sarcastically saying, "what more do you want from me and for how long?", I would honestly ask if there were anything else I could do to help him...and then do it freely out of my love for him. I told him that I would come to him when I was triggered and feeling guilty and ashamed...so that we could help each other.

That seemed to get through to him. He sat down and said, "is that what you are trying to say? You are saying you are not trying to punish me--you just want us to help each other? Are you saying that I don't understand what you need?"

By this time, I can't contain the tears...and I told him "yes--that is what I am trying to say". That and that our R is precious to me and worth the effort to not take the easy way around things--but to try to go through things together.

"Oh....WELL", he says and starts putting his cloths back in the closet, getting undressed, and coming back to bed. "I'm sorry I misunderstood".

Then he says he can always tell when I am leading up to something bad...that I talk around in a circle...and he sits there imaginging what I am going to say when I finally get to the point. He says a lot of women seem to do that so maybe it is not my fault because I'm a woman...but it drives him crazy.

I told him that it is hard for me to reach out to him and get to the point when he gets so angry and defensive. I said I was sorry that he thinks I am attacking him by reaching out to him--when I need reassurance...or have a concern.

He said, "I feel guilty enough, without you bringing it up".

I said, "then I want you to talk to me about your guilt when it comes up...let me help you heal too...I don't want you to carry that around in silence and let it poison all of our work".

"OK" he says, and falls asleep.
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Please help me understand what just happened and how to do better next time. Don't worry about pulling any punches if anyone thinks I need 2 x 4's.