Keeping it real

[Zues126]

Big day. Spoke with DB coach AND IC. Both agreed it was too soon to swoop in and battle for full custody. But they both were on board with me protecting myself by separating finances, etc.

I really admitted today that i was scared of my STBX in conflict. I had a tendency to be bullied, be bullied, be bullied, then just snap and become the bully because I was tired of it. DB coach said the was the model for most males. But I only get scared of her disapproval because I have mentally given her power over my self worth. She uses that to control me. To be fair, I think I did this to her too. Funny how we were both bullies and victims.

So she asked me 'what would you do if you weren't afraid of STBX's reaction?' She again told me it was time to get my own place and separate finances. She said if STBX sees taking care of myself as an act of aggression or hostility, I simply can't trust her because any court in the country would agree its only fair to take care of myself and have a place for the kids. If she says 'how am I going to pay for the house' I just shrug and say its her house, she can sell it or find an alternative. Point is, I don't tell her what to do, I just tell her what I'm going to do.

I'm meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to discuss financial separation. I'd like to be protected before having that conversation as I don't want her to suddenly clean out the accounts, charge up the credit cards, etc.

I look forward to the day I look to myself and God solely for my self worth and make bold and righteous decisions because I'm free of this type of fear of conflict. This is my next step towards that. Stronger each day...