Fresh separation - trying to play by the book

[Mozza]

(wow, this moderation thing is really serious - I posted some 16 hours ago and it hasn't appeared!)

Tonight, I had my first 'argument' with my wife, over a month into the separation. My W was upset that I told her friend she was sad about the tragedy that hit her family (friend lost a cousin). My W had told me about it, saying she was sad. Then yesterday the friend reached out to me about work. In my response, I offered my condolences, mentioning in passing that my W was also sad. It seemed polite. The friend became distressed that she had caused worries to my W. My W was now concerned that her friend was worried on top of the tragedy and would clam up and no longer share her difficulties with my W.

My W send me a pointed email. I replied quickly but briefly ("Sorry, that was not my intention"), then she emailed back asking if my intentions were to hurt her friend, then she tried to call me, then texted me asking for a call ASAP (but I was on a conference call). It was quite out of character for her. Everything has been smooth since the day she left. She'd never make any excessive request or criticism.

I called her and tried to smooth things out. I made her restate the problem to show I was listening and repeated it to her to show that I had understood. I explained my position trying not to sound defensive, but she was really upset. In fact, I could tell that she wanted to be upset. Along the call, she showed up in my backyard to pick up the stroller (more on that eventually) and I caught up with her in person. I explained what I had really said, which was different from what the friend had reported. I, of course, explained that I never meant to cause any trouble, that I was just being polite. But what seemed to seal the deal is when I asked her to trust me that I'm never trying to cause her any harm. She calmed down, even chuckled and said that it was good to hear. She was in a rush and left, but it felt like a resolution.

The sad part is that even after all these weeks of collaboration and getting out of the way, my W can still think that I'm out to get her. The good part is that the resolution might have dispelled this impression.

Three days earlier, I had asked my wife to return the keys to what is now my apartment. She seemed surprised by it and when we met (I was returning the kids), she did not make eye contact or say anymore than needed. She was in a rush. She then sent me a curt email about a mistake I made in the package that I brought at her request. She later apologized, saying she was tired.

Asking for the keys was the first time I was taking control of the process. I think it caught her by surprise and upset her. Then again, she might have issues elsewhere, perhaps at work (she had to work on Monday, a holiday). Or having the kids for the week might be more work than she thought. In any case, it felt oddly satisfying to see that she has some difficulties during the separation, given that she painted a rosy picture of it when she explained her decision. I'm also glad I asked for the keys and that I resolved the argument without damage.