Shakspr #3; Love's Labours Lost

[Shakspr]

Ahoy: The coach asked me...how would I be going about my life? I said that I would be standing and working on myself. That I still want a shot at reconciling this marriage. She said, if that's the case, your intention not to date is a good one, as it would be dishonest.

I don't care how amazing a new person might be. I'm taking the long view of this. I want my marriage - a new, better, more amazing marriage - to my wife. My children should live under one roof.

raliced: I think, both, but mainly me. She's in an EA, it'll most likely get physical as soon as she recovers from surgery (the day after D, mind you) - and it's going to need that long to flame out if it will. Heck, I don't know, maybe it already has if she has had an awakening. It's not like I'm still snooping. But she is very protective of her phone. Also, a separation is very different from a divorce. The D is a bigger cleaving. Finally, my W is stubborn. Read my very first post. That woman has been through things that would ruin many people. She's still standing - mostly because of a dogged determination to keep going.

All this to say...I kinda blew it tonight from a DB perspective. After working through some kid stuff, (teacher probs, math concerns), we got into a disagreement about school pictures of all things (I was perplexed by what she was telling me about payment, she interpreted it as me questioning/disbelieving her.) That turned into a disagreement about how she had responded to SS15 regarding his homeschool work. I retreated, tried to separate myself from the situation. It devolved into her favorite ad hominem "You never listen to me. You think I am stupid. Even when I'm right." I said, "please, please, leave the room. I don't want to argue and you are backing me into a corner." I never raised my voice once. She just stood there. I said, "Very well, then, I will go." All this right before church. I grabbed my Bible, my kids, and left.

Later, when we came home, we got the kids down, and I pursued a bit. It wasn't a bad discussion, really. She agreed that we both are on edge, that she is stressed to the max with new job and moving prep without any help (while looking at me accusingly. I said nothing.) She said, basically, that any comments result in bad feelings, that she is cranky and my 3-day cycle of amicable, followed by quiet, followed by angry body language was understandable, but wearing on her. I argued at first a bit about this, but ultimately agreed (I hate that I have deluded myself into thinking I have let go.) She said she can't get all her stuff out in one weekend, and was scared that I would get bitter and make things hard for her to do so in the future.

I said, "Melanie, I am not the man I once was. I still love you. You don't love me. I understand that. But since all I want is a chance...someday...the last thing that I would ever do is intentionally make your life harder than it already is. You are welcome to get whatever you need...I won't start rearranging or packing things away until after Christmas."

She said things change. And this is where I blew it. "I have forgiven you, and continue to forgive you, every day for this. Even the revelations of a few weeks ago. I don't want to harbor any resentment. I also realize that my words don't really matter - you will need to see consistent behavior over time to believe me. There's only one thing that will change my approach to this. That's if you expose my children to another man in anything less than a year."

She started to say something, then cut herself off. She said "It's nothing." And I blew it again. "Melanie, I have been open and honest with you about every bit of this since day 1. Please, tell me what you were about to say." She shook her head. "It's nothing." I said, "No, it wasn't nothing. Please stop lying. What in the world has happened to you? Who are you?"

She told me good night in a huff.

I basically gave her an approved timeline to show off her A partner to my kids.

I am not smart.