KGirl - 7 months later...

[KGirl]

I certainly have learned some things.. I just wish there was some other way to do that without spending $15000 on a wedding, and thousands more dollars on a downpayment for a house, and now feeling broke (OK,I know I'm not broke, but I'm missing the flexibility and cushion I had before. I thought living paycheck to paycheck was a sign you weren't doing well. Now I'm much closer to that and really have to pay attention to where money goes). An expensive learning process, I guess. I know there are more things I've learned but at the forefront of my mind today was this: if someone hesitates to take a big step (moving in together, marriage, etc.) I need to just let that person go, and not pressure/convincing/demand it of them. Why did I want to or would I want to be with someone that I have to convince to be with me?? I don't want to be in an R with anyone in the future unless they genuinely want to be there, on their own, without pressure or guilt from me. I didn't heed that warning for what it was, or maybe part of me knew it but didn't want to acknowledge it because I didn't want to let go.

Someone posted an article on facebook today about why the author hopes her ex was the love of her life. Titled to make you go "huh?" but I totally got it after reading it and is related to my above thought. She basically said that love was "too much" - he was the first thing she thought about in the morning, the last thing at night, and that it was a "rollercoaster of missing him, loving him, hating him, and needing him." Boy do I know that rollercoaster. And in the future in whatever R I may be in I'm going to keep what she said in mind:

"I don’t want someone to be my other half, I want someone who makes me feel whole on my own. I don’t want to miss someone so much it hurts, I want to know that even when I am apart from him I can trust him and know that he is coming home to me. I don’t want him to be my last thought when I go to bed at night because I want him to be beside me when I go to bed at night. I don’t want him to be the best part of me, I want him to encourage me and push me to be the best self I can be on my own. I want a partner. I want someone I can rely on 24 hours out of the day, seven days a week. I want a love that makes me smile and go to bed completely content with my life, not one that keeps me up at night."

That is what I need to seek -someone (maybe it's my H, maybe not) who doesn't consume my life and thoughts, where we can be individuals with our own needs, wants, activities, and life without constantly feeling like I'm missing him or being jealous or insecure. One day...