Please help me

[25yearsmlc]

I have read DR and would like to hear from people who are separated and their spouse is having an affair. I have no contact with H and understand that I need to wait for him to initiate contact. But how long do I wait? Last week I asked him to make arrangements with D23 and D18 when he wants to see them and to meet them away from our home. I made this request so that I won't have to experience falling apart (in front of him) each time he leaves. Also I told him I could not see him while he is involved with OW. I'm wondering if it was a mistake to do this because now I have absolutely no contact with H and he will be unable to see any changes I'm making in myself.

My h and I were sep for 2 years (more or less, bc every few weeks or every 6 weeks, he'd visit). The first year he lived 300 miles away and visited most weekends, and then he moved to Alaska, which is 3000 miles away...and did NOT visit much...) The thing about being apart a lot is that the changes you do make, are a lot easier to notice when you are not together all the time.

Since you have no choice anyhow, you may as well make the best of it and see the best in it. (Makes sense?)


What are your changes, specifically? And when you said you had not had sex for years, how did YOU feel about that?
What did you think it said about the marriage and what did you think HE felt about that?

I'm not trying to shame or blame you.

But I do have to ask you if some physical or emotional problem, prevented having sex more often than never?

I heard a man describe how HE felt after having no sex in the marriage for over a year. He said "I was right next to her for years and she made it clear she did not want me that way...and I was so lonely those nights, with her right next to me. It hurt like hell, almost every single night...for years."

IF your h felt that^^ way, then it will take longer for him to "Unlearn" those feelings of rejection. You will somehow need to convey to him that you ARE NOT COLD - and that you are awake and desiring of him, now. Yet you must do this without pursuing him. You can show your warmth in other ways (touching without sex IS possible. Hugs, pats on the back, rubs on the back, flirty "spanks", and complimenting his appearance are a few things you can do without pursuing if you do them authentically. Like if he DOES look handsome in that blue shirt, tell him. But do it without expecting anything reciprocal. At all.


Have you apologized to him for the things you feel you did wrong in the marriage?

What would HE SAY about you or the m, that you think is valid? And what would YOU SAY about the marriage that you wish had been different?

BTW, if you think I'm being unfair to you b/c I'm only asking you about your flaws, know this: you are here trying to save your m, and he is not. So that's it. I mean, there's nothing about HIM that I can change or help with, but we might be able to help YOU, b/c you are here asking...(make sense?)

I DO think that there is hope b/c he's not being mean to you, and he's still in contact with the d's, and b/c he stayed a long time in a m that was probably not fulfilling to him....so there is love there, under his wounds. He'll need time and new tools (both of you need New Tools for the marriage that you then USE).

Are you afraid of being divorced, or are you afraid of being divorced from him?

Meaning, since you admit the m was not very good for some time, exactly what is it you are going to miss about it?

Be sure to identify the wounded ego versus the genuine & specific loss of him.

And btw, we all have egos and I'm NOT passing judgment on that. I'm not saying "Oh, that's JUST your ego being hurt" b/c that really does hurt. We are made up of lots of pieces and our ego is an important piece.

But it's also important to realize that our spouses are not responsible for our egos, or our happiness; we are. They are not in charge of our happiness, we are. And we are not responsible for their happiness, they are, and only they are (and only we are in charge of our own).

Last but not least, you say he had this affair before, correct? So you must have chosen to stay married despite the affair, correct?

How did you come to that choice? And how did things change when you decided to reconcile? How did you forgive him before, or did you? Did you throw the A in his face or withhold affection from him b/c of it?

If nothing changed from before, it's going to be a bit harder for him to believe those things can change---meaning it'll take longer. I say "do the math", which means

consistent change + sufficient time = change he can believe in.


So to be clear, what are the changes you are making? Any 180s?

REMEMBER You have to counter his negative images (the reasons he uses to justify leaving ) with positives so that he can begin to doubt his decisions. Don't fuel his negative images with more behaviors he does not want (being miserable and needy is NOT something that will attract him to you. So showing him that, will backfire as will attempts to make him feel guilty.

When spouses feel guilt then tend to blame.

You want him to think "Oh, wait, maybe she is not that bad, or maybe she WAS that way but is not anymore, (or never was??)
but bottom line is my data about her, isn't accurate NOW b/c she is changing.."


And eventually you want him to realize he's losing a great catch. Sadly, there are times that only OW or OM can wake up a spouse to realize that they've been taking their spouse for granted.

So stop obsessing about OW

and start the 180s and absolutely DO GAL, so you can detach and get yourself happier and more "together"...and read these newbie "rules"

(I use quotes b/c they are NOT "RULES", these are guidelines based on the books advice and they are helpful.)


RE the "newbie rules".... don't just skim them, take these in and begin implementing them.

And post often and please, please process what we tell you. Do not skim our replies to see if there is a magic bullet or one paragraph solution. There's no easy answer. This is work.

But it's a marathon, not a sprint.


THERE IS STILL HOPE.

So you know, I gave my m a 10% chance of lasting, back in 2006....and here I am.
Okay?

I'll finish your whole thread and post more later.. Hang in there!