Shakspr #3; Love's Labours Lost

[Shakspr]

So, I thought I'd add some notes from my last DB Coaching session

Divorce Busting Post-Divorce
Some initial thoughts about the WAS:

[*]All her momentum/energy is geared toward getting out of the marriage
[*]She has certainty now, or at least is displaying it 100% of the time
[*]Watch her carefully on the day of the divorce - try to appear confident and prepared
[*]She wants her own life without being tied to shared memories
[*]Some people must go down this road to determine what they want/need/consider truly important
[*]She is creating her own identity

DB coach asked if any of my words hit home when A was exposed, especially my willingness to put it behind us. I said, I don't know, maybe. W certainly was emphatic about not changing her course. She expressed shame and remorse...but, you know the drill.

DB coach asked me to be supportive and kind to her support structures, and to make an effort to compliment her on her choices if it makes sense.

If W was to rethink her position down the road, what would that look like? What would be some signs of change? My responses:

1) She would show an interest in my personal life outside the children, unprompted
2) She would ask for time alone with me w/o the children present
3) I should expect no change whatsoever for 6-12 months.

How do I love her? By respecting her choices and setting boundaries for myself.

Other tips:
1) Keep your eyes and ears open, but don't read into anything you hear too much. Look for repeated signs that the wind is changing.
2) Be understanding/caring. But recognize that this is a balancing act.
3) Be businesslike and civil - especially early on
4) Build an independent life
5) "Act as if" I have accepted her decision
6) Set Goals (Complete Sprint Triathlon in March, Climb Long's Peak in August)

Boundaries:
1) I will take any time offered to be with my children, UNLESS I have plans already made that are firm. I will not be her backup option all the time. And I won't always be "trading" time.

Why would she think I've moved forward?
1) Do mental homework to recreate/recall our reconnection in 1999.
2) Create mystery
3) Show "new" traits without being obvious
4) Change some habits - just pick a few and do it! (PTA involvement is my first thought)
5) Brainstorm ways to let her think I'm not always available

All of the above were stated laughingly with a "Not dating" sub-clause. I won't use another person tactically. Ever. (Even if she's in on the gag.)