Having a rough day today. Feeling hopeless and alone. I spent the morning shopping and preparing for D4's party and I just feel so sad that I am doing this all alone, for the first time without H's help. I miss him so much.

Then, when I got home there was a large package at my door. It was a present for D4 from H but he apparently had OW address it and take it to the post office. Just seeing her writing threw me into a loop of sadness. I'm not sure why seeing her writing hurts so much except that it is just more evidence that she exists in real life. And she knows about me, at least my name as the package was addressed to me. She doesn't REALLY know "about" me or even H, she has a man in crisis on her hands but I can't help but think that she addressed that package with glee, knowing I would see it and know it was her. Ugh. Why does this stupid thing hurt SO MUCH?

Oh, and to top it off, H got her a Frozen Elsa dress, from the Disney Store, which I have looked for months for and cannot find so I ended up buying her a handmade one on ebay. So, my gift is down the toilet and he looks like the hero. It's just wrong. He could have at least consulted me. I want to text him so badly and tell him how rude it was not to even run it by me and how he has ruined MY gift but I know it won't do any good and could do harm to him wanting to communicate with me.

I'm praying for some peace today. It was already an emotionally hard day and now it seems even worse. (and I'm beating myself up for being so down about such a small thing...)

Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together