Sorry for the delayed reply. I think that there is probably a lot of back story that needs to be told. We have been together for 11 years and married for 9. She has admitted that I was the first person to truly make her feel loved for being herself. I felt the same way. Since the beginning she would always pull the silent treatment when she was really angry. Her MO is to pull away and ignore the problem and then just act like it is okay.
We were best friends and had a deep mutual love for the first 7 years of our relationship right up until we had our son. We both really wanted a baby and were even about to try in-vitro before she got pregnant naturally. My wife was never really into sex but always enjoyed the emotional connection and we had a very active sex life.
Side Note: After some recent therapy, it seems that she has come to terms with not really enjoying sex that much and admits that she is only really sexual when she is trying to get someone to like her. Like with me before marriage when it was all the time and with the OM when she was trying to get his approval/interest. She admits that after he made the first move and then lost interest she was the aggressor and threw herself at him. I remember the script from when we first met and it honestly makes me a little sick and sad for her that she can't feel sexual in a mutually loving relationship. (more on that later)
After my son was born everything changed. He was pre-mature and had to have a hernia operation at 10 weeks. While being anesthetized he coded and had to be resuscitated on the operating table. We were told that he had a hole in his heart and later told that the heart might have been routed incorrectly. It wasn't and the hole closed up after 2 years but as first time parents we assumed the worst at every appointment and thought that he may be developmentally impaired. I was working at an off Wall-Street Investment Bank putting in 80-100 hour work weeks and still coming home to "take my turn" at dinner and during the night.
Aside from the health issues he also had colic and difficulty nursing. My wife fell into a deep depression and told me daily that she had ruined her life and hated being a mom. She completely checked out and was a total zombie and cried all the time. I had to do everything and took most of the child care responsibility when I wasn't at work. She started antidepressants when he was 6 months old and it helped a little but she still was a mess and begged me to quit my job daily. I looked long and hard and found a new job closer to her parents in the town where we met. I was making more money and had flexible hours and our son was given a clean bill of health.
During the first two years I did everything and hoped that she would come out of the fog. Eventually she went back to work but we had lost most of our connection and she had lost respect for me. I gave unconditional love but was resentful at times when she wouldn't engage with our son or play or work on the marriage. I tried to be even more nice and more understanding and it really killed her. She says that she felt like she could never live up, like she was a terrible mom and that she didn't deserve me or her life. I just wanted my friend and love back but she resented me for all that she wasn't and lost attraction because I was the mom and dad and never rocked her boat.
She developed a friendship with a much older man at work and was having lunch and texting and calling him to discuss her life. They really were just friends but I got pretty angry because she hid it from me and she no longer shared things with me. I told her that I was not okay with her behavior and that she couldn't contact him anymore. She agreed, but actually continued to reach out from time to time to check in on him and deleted the texts and calls.
She says now that she felt guilty that she resented me and didn't want to hurt me by telling me that she had lost attraction and her desire to communicated. When she started a new job she found a more attractive man in an authority position to become secret friends with. You know the story from there. Not happy in the marriage, older but still young enough man with a history of cheating himself. Talking become flirting and then the drinks and he ended up kissing her. From there it was over.
All the while she let us sell our house and invest $60,000 remodeling a new play while she slept with another man. She even kept up the affair after we started couples counseling.
I know that it's mine since the guy and her were both fired for the affair and he moved back home. We were out of town for a week when she got pregnant and I had seen her on her period the week before we left. Also had all passwords and GPS on her car.
Now we are back in counseling and trying to make it work but I just have lost all respect and trust for her. The PA lasted about 6 months and the EA flirting about 3-5 months prior to that.
I just can't seem to get past 4 years of her being selfish and checked out while I killed myself to provide a future for our family. I am haunted by the fact that she just isn't a good person and was capable of such lies and deceit while I was trying so hard to help her with depression and being a better mom.
It's hard to love and want to stay with someone that you know doesn't really find you attractive and "her words" and was capable of such betrayal even if she says that she wants to make it work and that she still loves me. I just feel like I could do better and would be happier with someone who is more loving and can have a mature sexual relationship where she doesn't need rejection to turn her on.
