Thanks Mighty and Tad, It's 5:30 in the morning and I can't sleep...again. I just don't know what to do. I keep trying and trying and nothing is falling into place. I know I am partly to blame for the place I'm in right now but so much of it is just out of my control. I must get some money but where do I start? I can't believe that once again, I trusted the wrong people, counted on others who I thought I could count on and now I'm paying the price. I don't know, maybe there is no place for someone like me in today's world. I tried so hard to keep my M together and failed. I tried so hard to be the kind of husband only a fool would leave and my W left.
I feel like I must do something but there isn't anything I can do. Yesterday I found out that one of the other people I work with quit. Turns out that he has a "pill problem" and has been taking Aderall and is quitting to "get clean". OK, so what else do I find out? Well, it seems he owes the company money because the money guy who now tells me there just isn't any money to draw from has been giving this guy money every month for the last several months! Here I need money to live and can't get any and this guy has been giving money to a junkie who hasn't done a thing to help the business! What is wrong with this world? What has happened to everyone?
The one person in the world I always thought I could count on has gone off to find herself and relive her childhood. I'm about to go under and there is nothing I can do about any of it. I'm scared. For the first time since all this started I'm really scared. With no money how am I supposed to take care of my D's? I have to find a way through this. Find a way to make my life start to work again or I just don't know what will happen.
Part of me wants so badly to blame my W for the sitch I'm in. How she left knowing I was counting on her and she did it with a negative bal. in the checking account and unpaid bills while making $7,000 a month. Yes, that would be so easy. But I know that wouldn't be the whole truth. No, I should never have allowed myself to get where I am. I need to look forward, not back but I just don't see a way forward that I can go. There is just no foothold and everything is dark. I just need one sale. One. But even that seems out of reach at the moment.
Sorry to go so negative everyone. I just have never felt so alone in my life like I do now. I just need one thing to go my way. One break that could start me moving forward but it's like I've hit a wall and there is no way through.
I will post on FB about looking for a job. Most of my FB "friends" are from out of state and I don't know how much help they will be but I will try. At this point I will do anything I can. Even if I found a new job, I still have no money until I can get paid. I need money to get caught up or I won't have a way to get to a job or pay the electric and water bills! I hate this feeling of helplessness. This feeling of not being in control of any part of my life. I always thought that no matter what I would have my family. I stuck by my W through hard times for her and always thought that someday, If I ever had a "hard time" she would be there for me but that turned out to be so wrong. What I do now will decide whether I make it or not. My entire life, all my years of hard work have come down to this one point in time where I will either make it or not.
I have tried to live my life the "right" way. To do the right things and be a good person. In a business full of "crooks" I have never once lied to make a sale or compromised my values. I always thought that, in the end, that would come back to help me. Maybe the old adage "Nice guys finish last" is true after all. Maybe I should have been the shark all along. I pray that isn't the case and that I will make it through this time.
I don't have any questions. No worries about my W or our sitch. No I'm just at a point where I need to get this out. Thanks for taking the time to listen. Not sure what I would do without the board right now.
