Need help. Scared, confused pt 2

[Jefe]

Love is a verb. A verb implies action. Anyone can say “I love you” but we recognize genuine love by actions.

You are absolutely head over heels in love with your wife but, according to you, neglected to let her know this. (Husbands love your wife even as Christ loved the Church…) Christ never stopped telling the Church how much He loved them. Even when He was hanging on the cross. Does your wife know you have this kind of unconditional love for her?

My wife knows that I have unconditional love for her, it's just not been the kind of love she needs. The kind of love that should be filling her love tank.

“As another example of how I let you crush my dreams in order to save my family you soul-sucking witch—I will give up this dream. But this time you have to ask me nicely.” (Please say in your best Jack Nicholson voice because this is probably how she heard it.)

Maybe you could approach this conversation again but do it with her needs in mind.

“I realize I have been selfish. It didn’t occur to me that while pursuing my supposed dream that I was putting stress on you and my family. I was deceived. Please know that any “dream” (make sure you say it with air quotes) that turns your life into a nightmare isn’t my dream. My dream is to be a great husband. My dream is to be a great father. Because without my family I don’t have a dream. So why don’t we discuss what your dream is and how I can make your dreams come true?”

I would do anything for her to feel like she was being heard at this point. While I don't think it came across as extreme as above I do think she is deeply troubled by it. It humors me that OM1 has no/crappy job and that's more attractive at the moment.

I would love the opportunity to reword it like you have but I'm with Starsky on the timing of this. She is still in super pissed mode when she talks to me. She called last night (see previous post ^^) and was cordial but not receptive to hearing anything, I can promise that.

Yellers can be easier to deal with if they are “true yellers.” By that I mean--they just want to be heard and understood in the moment. They don’t want to manipulate the situation but they want their opinion to be valued. A yeller enters dangerous territory when they use yelling as a tool for terror, manipulation or abuse. Buy a lot of yellers are “in the moment” people. They say things they instantly regret and spend a lot of time apologizing for things they shouldn’t have said “in the moment.”

Lashers tend to be more complicated. Lashers rarely say what they feel in the moment and then find alternative avenues to vent anger. Their anger baffles yellers. For example, lashers are late picking up the kids and when a yellers says, “What kept you?” a lasher will respond, “Are you saying I’m a terrible mother! Well, you’re not that great of a father, either!!!” Huh? The yeller thought he was asking about traffic. How did this become a conversation about parenting?

Have you been hiding in our closet the last 5 years? Yes, this is it EXACTLY.

Regarding her issues about the OM and parenting your child—take all those off the table. Those aren’t “her” issues. Those are a family issue now. Your options are limited on this.

And yet, I feel like this is the stuff that's going to have to be dealt with for me to feel comfortable. Or maybe I need to just be uncomfortable for a while and let God sort this out. IDK. This is a pretty important topic right here.