my chance = HIS chance

[makingmagic]

Good questions Sandi~~ more headwork/heartwork homework .... LOVE IT!!

1) initially when I read if him agreeing with me = closure. I thought nope. Then I read the rest of your question... I do feel often the need to express myself or viewpoint further in order to see my point (not necessarily if I am right) ...... Hmmmmm

2) Yes, I am pretty much this way with others.... but, I think I became this way/developed since him..... again, hmmmmm

Since this site, I have come to realize that it comes across as argumentative... hmmmmm, grrrrrrr!

3) If he does not agree (or someone else), I do not feel its is a rejection of me. I love to hear the other opinions and do not feel its a personal attack or rejection ..... thank god!

When we were discussing the bid, I only felt rejection when he stopped communicating. Feeling rejected had nothing to do with the task, it was just a symptom of how the convo ended.

No... I would not say that disagreement = rejection in either business or personal.

Unofficially if/when he says inappropriate hurtful wording into his opinions, I have taken it personally (for about 10 mins) and then I am able to fluff it off & get past the hurtful stuff. However, since we have not argued like that in a very long time... I wonder what I would do/how I would feel about that now. I wonder if I would allow it to hit me personally..... hmmmm

OH.. I won't bring it up... we are past this now. I am not one who likes to fight and fight until the bitter end after the fact. I typically am that way while "IN" the moment. An old behaviour of mine is to not harbour feelings or resentment. Hell, I even forget that I was angry 15 mins later. I am an easy one to want to repair & get back to harmony & a loving state.

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Today at work he brings up an idea for an overnight getaway disguised as work. I am coming to realize that he does this as a way that we can write it off as a business expense. There is no REAL need for us to do this overnight work thing, we typically do this online. Knowing him, Its about escape, possible nice dinner opportunity, and a hotel experience together.... while being cheap. I think its also a cop out/lazy way of getting me away without being committed or inappropriate in the minds of others (friends/family), INCLUDING me!

I did not respond with a yes or no. Within a short while he asks me if I have looked further into the work event that would support his suggestion for the overnight... I say "no" and proceed to do so. Then he immediately proceeds his comments with expectation that I am saying Yes.... grrrr.

I am conflicted.... I want to go... I need a mini getaway too (work or fun). I want to know if this is a sex-escape, a romantic getaway with intent of reconnection or a work event.....GRRRRRR

I would love some suggestions on how to value myself and have an appropriate attitude (je ne sais quoi) and/or possible discussion or not... on this matter... (his lack of investment/commitment, calling it "work")

Conflicts:

If I "talk" and discuss the fact that I am not comfortable going without knowing what it means to him... = pressure to him

If I go and don't say something... I am too easy/available to his whims.

If I go... I am subject to sex (is this all he wants or is it more towards reconnection?)


Just before leaving work for the evening, I asked if he was going to enjoy some TV this evening, it gets turned around and he jokingly makes a sex-related comment & suggests that he is available and feel free for me to jump him anytime. I commented back along the lines that he could take that attitude/opportunity to "try" it on me too... (its not MY JOB to do the pursuit... 180). We both leaned into a kiss goodbye.

When I got out of my women's meeting this evening, it was so warm and nice out... I immediately wanted to call or text Xbf to share the night... (wishing we were at that point, too bad its considered pursuit on my part)... sad.