Romance and pursuit are not the same things. Romance is the ability to connect with someone on a level which touches their heart. Pursuit is a chase.
Romance is meeting a really amazing woman. Finding out what her favorite flowers are. Finding out what her favorite food is. Then inviting her to dinner at a restaurant known for this cuisine, picking her up (on time) with her favorite flowers in your hand.
Pursuit is meeting a really hot woman. Taking her to a club where you pour alcohol down her all night in an attempt to lower her inhibitions so she will have sex with you.
In other words: Romance is about her. Pursuit is about you.
Jefe,
Let me ask you something…
When she told you that “you were not together anymore and would not be together anymore”
…was this really the FIRST time she said something like this? Really?
If not, then I tend to think these words were thrown at you more for effect. “NOTICE ME!” More than “I want a divorce.”
You said she is a lasher and this text was sent after an argument. I’ll bet you yelled before she lashed. And she lashed very effectively. She sent you a really mean text and unfriended you on FB. Ouch. This is why I take the words less seriously than if it was said during a counseling session.
However make no mistake. I still take her threats seriously. The #1 problem with lashers is they don’t know when to stop and they don’t know how to “let it go.” So you have to shut it down. And by “shut it down” I mean you have to take control and stop the escalation.
Tonight is a good example of how you took control of the marriage by not allowing escalation. You were put in a situation perfect for escalation but you didn’t escalate. Instead of quizzing her about the job—you congratulated her.
Now, learn how to take it another step. Celebrate with her. Even if she doesn’t get the job—celebrate how wonderful she is. Send an e-card (funny-not romantic), or flowers, but something uniquely you and her—that says:
“Hey, you are amazing! Every company in America should hire you!” You should consider making it a family affair.
Have a “mommy is amazing” dinner and everyone gets to say why mommy is amazing.
Whether she gets the job or doesn’t get the job…she will remember the support she gets from you during this time. And while you are giving her this support…maybe you can throw in a little romance.
