MLC? Let it Be.

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Thanks everybody! Shining, I don't really see him much at all, really only when/if he comes over to cut the lawn or pick up his mail, which, now that the growing season is ending, will be once every few weeks - maybe. I haven't seen him on a weekend since almost exactly 1 year ago. Only weekdays. Hm - where could he have been spending his weekends? DUH. Anyway, I think I set the deadline mainly for practical reasons. Spring is a good time to start looking for a house, and by then our vacation home should be sold so I'll have some money to do that. I do not want to move before March. I've moved in the middle of the winter before - it is SO not fun! I also set the deadline because I just have a gut feeling that that is all I'm going to be able to take. It's just all ENOUGH already. If I were younger, I might be willing to wait longer, but I really loved being married, so why waste any more time with someone who doesn't want to be with me?

Now, if, by some miracle, we are having R talks and piecing, I would reconsider. I do love him, but have seen NO movement to try and salvage our marriage in the past 15 months. None. And he walks such a fine, fine line, taking such great care (it seems) to convey things in such a way that I could so easily take them one way or the other - like, he's reconsidering, no, wait, that could also mean he really does want out. I really don't know how he does it. He is so incredibly vague and non-committal. I don't think I could do that if I tried! And yeah, if my feelings do change sooner, and I want out, then I will still wait til spring so I have the best chance of finding a decent place to live.

GB, Calvin and Matt are BIG stars around here! But heck, it takes more than those 2 guys to pull off a win! Still, fans are die-hards around here...at least we can actually win some games now!

Mighty, thanks for the encouragement. This seems like a piece of cake compared to everything you are struggling with! I don't know how you do it, and keep a level head. But keep it up. It's workin' for you!

LT, you might be right. I do feel that I have certainly let go alot in the past couple of months, but yes, I probably am still waiting for that sign. Just like I said above, I've seen NONE - and I keep looking. But I'm running out of patience, and that's where I think I came up with the deadline. I just know I can't be one of the LBSs who waits for 2, 3, 4 years. That just isn't who I am. I have a life to live, and I still feel like it's on hold in so many ways because of this. I have done so much good stuff for myself this year, so it doesn't really hold me back, but those plans we all had for the future? Still holding onto those, still haven't been able to really let those go. I wanted to grow old together, and take care of each other. I still want to do that. I thought that by signing that mediation agreement and saying I didn't want to stand in the way of his happiness - and I did mean that and 'lovingly let go' - it might slap him in the face a little with reality as well. Indeed, he came running and said he wanted to talk, and that's when he explained he was reading the book I gave him and took more blame for all the mess we're in. And then in the next breath says he'll set up a time for an appraisal for this house (so he can buy me out). MIXED signals -- all the time! So frustrating.

And thanks so much, Mirage, for sharing your personal experience. As you explain it, I can certainly imagine that incredible pain inside his head -- I believe I have had something very similar in my own head for the past year, as a result of his. I didn't even know I could hurt this much. Lately, the last few months, it's quite a bit less. I know, without a doubt, I'll be fine with or without him. But life just isn't all that fun without him! It's so hard to find people who really like to do the things I like to do. I'm a very active 51-year-old, and many of my friends would rather watch a movie than do anything physical. I love them, but I need a few new ones who will do certain things that my H was always game for. Working on that.

Again, thanks for all your replies. You make me think. And thanks for the reminder that he's in as much, if not more, pain than I am right now. Sorry this is so long, but I guess it was all due to come out soon, since I hadn't posted in so long! Gotta pack for the long weekend - one more day of work and I'm outta here!