Yes.. I'm still alive, still kicking a** and taking names.
I'm definitely doing better, can't say that much progress has been made on my M, but at least nothing has gotten worse.
Some notes for the Laboratory Report:
1. GUBU has only appeared a few times since my last posting, and even then, just very subtly via text. Just some snarky responses to very benign things I said, clearly misinterpreting general statements to be an attack on his character.
I'm not sure why this is, he is just SO DEFENSIVE. I have to be very careful not to make any jokes or use sarcasm, as I might with anyone else on the planet, because he takes things very literally and thinks I'm lashing out at him.
But that's been about it for anything negative. Just passive aggression, as always, and I count myself lucky that it's all he's flung my way.
Still, I have yet to see any real concern for me or my well-being, as well as anything other than the most minimal concern for the animals.
He is still very much all about himself and what he wants. He is still telling me how great he is at work, how much his staff loves him (yeah, he takes them out for $100 rounds of drinks about every week) Yet, if I'm having fun, this definitely annoys him.
He still has no social life other than work, and his codependent employee/free room-providing friend.
2. It is very easy for me to hurt his feelings or disappoint him. He will never admit this, but when I look back over our interactions trying to figure out what caused him to get snippy with me, it's always that I have inadvertently hurt him in some way.
Like being out GALing and not telling him, not asking him to hang out, not going out to see him when he's here, not responding with the same or greater degree of connection.
If he responds rudely via text with a "K" or "Later", blowing me off, and I just don't engage at all for a day or so, this bothers him. I guess I'm just supposed to pursue. Which I refuse to do. And this bothers him too. I am using Zues' (?) rule of 80%. I give back 80% of the warmth he puts out. It seems he wants more, and he's not getting it.
I am not going to do all the heavy emotional lifting and it seems as though he is still trying to take his cues from me. He is still unwilling to risk anything that might lead to rejection. Sheesh, he seems to feel rejected if I walk away from him too quickly. But do you think he'd actually seek ME out or ask ME to do anything? Not on your life!
How do I know this? Because he very pointedly does not contact me at all for 24 hours or more, and will show up here unannounced if I do something that upsets him. He will talk to the dogs as if I'm not there, he'll refrain from telling me his plans, deliberately leading me to believe that he's out living it up. (He's not, sadly.) Generally, he will behave in a subtly rude manner towards me.
The fact that anything I do has the power to set him off balance tells me he is NOT as "done" as he has said.
3. We have continued to work alongside each other, doing hard manual labor. I swear, the guy loves to see me break my back. It earns his respect. Seems there could be a better way, but for now--okay.
As we work, he talks. He talked a lot about HIMSELF (as usual) his work, his career, his staff... more and more about the old college girlfriend who is sounding more and more like me. That whole thing is weird.
I guess he is Googling her, because he sent me pictures of some jewelry she's made, nice beadwork, things she has for sale. I also said that from the picture I saw, she doesn't exactly look "100 years old" as he described, that maybe he embellished that just a teensy bit? He said, "No. I'll be happy to show you a recent pic." Still waiting on that one.
Supposedly she stopped contacting him; either way, I'm not concerned about it. Being in touch with her was something he was doing earlier on in his MLC, before he got involved with OW. It may be a re-visitation of that period in his life, as he figures things out.
Anyhow, I said I'd love to have one of her pieces if it wouldn't be too creepy to have something from my husband's ex-girlfriend who could pretty much be my older sister. It's really a bit weird. But we both actually laughed about that.
4. I have given him open-ended opportunities to do something nice for me, like pick up a bottle of wine, stop at the Farmer's Market. So far, he hasn't done anything for me except for fixing my bike several weeks ago (probably mad that I didn't ask HIM to go biking, after he said he prefers to ride alone anyway) and put up a security light two weeks ago, so it's not scary dark up here in the boonies when I get home alone late at night. Both nice things which I did not request. To his credit, he will do just about anything I ASK him to do; he just doesn't seem to think of my needs at all. Am I surprised? No. Sometimes, I'm a bit disappointed because I see more and more of my H these days. I try to keep my expectations as low as possible. -------------------------------------------------------------------
New development!
We agreed on a schedule for the rest of the year, just me traveling to different events and to see my mother for an extended period of time.
He does have to take time off from work to accommodate this, but it's not a hardship because the fact is, he loves to be here if I am gone. Always has.
But here's the NEW THING.
He was going to come up Friday before I left...then mysteriously said he'd rather come up and stay over Thursday night because "it would just be easier."
Why it "would be easier" I have no idea. But the point here is: I WILL BE HOME THE ENTIRE TIME.
This is the first time he has wanted to stay here knowing that I would not be going out. That's a biggie!
But it's not bad. H just called me--a real pretense, if you ask me--to tell me about a radio show he just heard on NPR about Stick Insects.
He just regaled me with two solid minutes of the life cycle of Stick Insects and their importance in the Ecosystem.,,
(Yeah. Good luck finding another woman who really cares about that stuff!)
Oh yeah, and he's going to go for a bike ride Friday morning and then come up rather than staying Thursday night.... *sigh*
Really, just as well because I'm going to be preoccupied with packing to get out of here and it won't be the most relaxing time.
I'm not surprised he backed out, but the thought was definitely there... I'm sure it will come up again at some point.
The Stick Insect conversation was quite pleasant just now. We were laughing.... so all is good. -------------------------------------------------------------
This weekend I'm going to a dance event, have plans to meet up with friends, I'll be GALing like crazy. Also looking at an area where I might move if I do indeed end up divorced.
I'm still not posting much because I'm trying to keep my mind off D and all negative R stuff, including the existence of GUBU.
My emotions are still all over the place. Still some nightmares, bad thoughts, some fears about the future, some hurt, some ego bruising, some anger. But all in all, nothing I can't handle or get under control so I don't broadcast that to H.
Some days I find myself with too much time alone and I realized I'm ranting out loud about stuff GUBU has done to me. Having conversations with him out loud.... this does not help my PMA. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it! I'm so used to being alone that I caught myself doing it in the supermarket. No wonder people were staring. (Nope. No Bluetooth. Just nutty!)
I felt hurt thinking he'd taken some online date woman out for a fancy dinner, now I think it was just another freebie for his staff. I try not to read too much into that.
I mostly feel angry now, sort of indignant, at the way he has treated me and how I did nothing to deserve it. I was not a perfect wife, but there is no way I am responsible for the choices he made and his treatment of me. I never had a choice. I still don't have a choice. He will do whatever he wants to me, and I will just have to handle it.
That's reality. It stinks, but there is no avoiding it. If he wants to divorce me, he will. I will live the rest of my life thinking he's the World's Biggest A**crack, but it will be his loss in the end.
But sometimes I get my hackles up about what a dope he's been. However, in true DBing fashion, I keep this to myself. I am doing a really good job with my STFU and, to a lesser degree, my CTHD.
I am eating better, sleeping better, taking better care of myself. Making the most of every opportunity that comes my way, trying to ignore him as much as possible.
One perk of this situation is that it is forcing me to "work what my momma gave me" and I'm learning more girly skills that I never had before. I now know how to curl my hair, put on that push-up eyeliner, and do "natural" makeup that looks like I just woke up that way...
And I can really rock those "skinny jeans" these days! I'm getting myself some nice cowboy boots because: 1. I loved them when I was a little girl (I was all about cowboys and riding western) and 2. I think they would be appropriate for continued a**kicking, which is definitely my plan!
Keep Calm and Carry On, DBers!
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
