still holding on - 4

[u-turn]

It's been a while again, but I've actually stayed busy with the kids (S20 was home this weekend). Had a "date" day with W, which was really good and W's birthday was Sunday low key celebration - family dinner.

I think she has inner struggles that she covers up much of the time, but it does show at times. She is becoming more detached again.

We had a bit of a breakdown on Sun when I walked in on her getting her birth control pills out of her purse. She had the hand in the cookie jar look, hid them, and tried to make an over the top nice conversation. I looked distant - she stopped, I said I'm sorry, but I saw what she was doing. She had anger and asked me if I wanted to know why. I waited to back down my comments that would not have been helpful, but said sure (I'm going to continue taking these because it controls my moods and bleeding (sorry for the graphic)). I shrugged and said that I didn't know about that. But I did say that there are too many secrets (not helpful, I know).

We got through dinner and went to our corners for the night.

She sent me a text yesterday saying "I can tell you my head and heart are in the right place. Just closed off to me and everyone right now".

I later responded that I wish she could open up to me. I want to help, but I don't know how.

She said she didn't know how either, I am trying.

I'm not sure what any of this means and what I should do, but I am not feeling good about it again. I want to tell her how I feel, but again I know this does not matter and would not be helpful.