Reading your story encouraged me to register on this forum and soon to share my own struggle (my wife recently left me). But first, I wanted to give you some feedback, after reading perhaps 40-50% of your story (I skipped the middle part).
1) Forget about the OM. Your W has left you, you can't impose any conditions. The M contract has been shredded: she's free, you're free. Stop talking to her about other men. It diminishes you. I know this will be difficult. You say that you can't accept that she dates other men? Then you have to move on because you have no power over it (other than the power to driver her away). Or perhaps you have to accept that she'll do this detour on her way back to you. A lot of men have accepted it. Say all you want that you won't accept it, but remember: you have no control over it.
2) Follow the advice you get here! I'm amazed at how many times you went against the advice of the wise people here and got into trouble, only to do it again. You might think that it's too hard sometimes, but see it as a chance to make real efforts to win her back.
3) Remove the negativity from your interactions with her. I'm surprised at how much negative feelings are still between the two of you. I systematically avoid anything negative in my interactions with my WAW. I don't want her to feel anything negative when she thinks of contacting me. To me the worst part is your list of conditions to get back together: I can't imagine a hesitant WAW would look at this and think: "That's what I want!" Paint a good picture of a reconciliation, not a painful process of work and compromises. Honey, not vinegar. Once she's back, once she wants you, she'll be ready to consider the efforts and your boundaries.
4) Be more incremental. You ask for complete commitment and become unpleasant when you don't get it. Instead, see every little victory in a good light. If her commitment to you goes from 20 to 25%, make her feel good about it. She'll move to 30% and 35% and eventually 100%.
5) Have you ever broken up with a girlfriend? Do you remember how it felt when she came back begging you to take her back, imposing her conditions? The deal is different with a M and kids, but the feelings are similar. You probably wanted nothing from that girlfriend and her pleading made her even less attractive. Think back on this experience to put yourself in your W's shoes. Imagine what it would have taken for you to be attracted again to this ex-gf.
This may sound harsh, or repetitive or perhaps I missed important parts of your story. It looks as if you're progressing very slowly, falling back often, and that you need to get real: she left you. She's no longer in a relationship with you, yet you remain very controlling as if she were. You use every link you have with her to try to control her: the house, the kids, the money. Accept that this woman has become a sort of stranger, let go of your desire to control her. She left you because you were controlling her. She won't come back as long as you will keep on trying to control her.
We're on your side.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
