A New Day

[ericmsant2]

Wow, been all around that area. I have lived here for 46 years now, so seen a lot of changes.

Howdy neighbor!

Having been through the divorce process in our wonderful state I am fairly aware of the laws/process in this state. My first piece of advice would be to make sure you have an excellent attny. I had a great one. Let me know if you if you find that your L is not working for you. I would also caution you to use the L’s wisely. Also LISTEN to your L. He/she works for YOU. They have no emotional ties so can look at things objectively. Your L should be working towards helping you achieve YOUR goals. Please clear with the L what those goals are. Do not fall into the trap of “reacting” or “accepting” that path of least resistance. Figure out what makes sense for you and the kids …and instruct the L accordingly.

Right now i am spinning a bit and trying to digest a phone call i got from my lawyer yesterday.

Learn to stay calm…and breath…the D process can really take a toll on you.

He got a call from wifes lawyer. She is not able to participate in the divorce. Apparently she is going to sign a voluntary conservatorship allowing her father to take over all her affairs.

The fact that she has asked her father to take over all affairs, could work for you or against you. This is a question that I suggest that you ask your attny.

My attorney said they are turning full custody of my youngest over to me with all decision making as well as determination of visitation.

This is ^^^ a good thing. Considering your W condition. Remember, although the agreement may give you full custody – you still have the opportunity to allow the kids to see their mom. They will need her, regardless of the condition she is in. From where I sit, full custody give you the control and helps you make the choices that are best for the kids.

I suspect her lawyer is running with what her father is directing right now and going on his word.

Mind reading – stop it. Based your choices on fact.

Because of this I will have a court fight if he gets control of wife.

First you have no idea of what the new proposal will be. It may not be what you expect. Your mind reading again. Ultimately, most attny DO NOT want to go in front of the judge, so you may not have the “court battle” that you think you will.

I suspect her will try and force me to sell house and try and get as much as he can without regard to our daughters well being. I can see him justifying using anything wife gets for his own use since he will be taking care of her. He will use what ever he can to fund his retirement at the expense of others.

First off, the wonderful state of CT…prefers that the kids remain in their home. Period. No if and or buts. If you think it is best that they remain in the home – then make it clear to your attny that this is YOUR goal.

I know i need to take a deep breath and slow down.

Yes you do. Your gonna go batch crazy and make rushed decisions. Stay calm.

I will have to have my attorney monitor the situation and wait to see where it goes with some pre planning. My thoughts right now are to ask for full possession of the house in place of her paying any child support.

Usually the courts do not like this. They much prefer that child support is paid, and then whoever remains in the house pays the mortgage. Now, you could seek a “deviation” in child support IF both parties agree. Have you come up with a budget on what you need to maintain the house? Be reasonable…in other words, accept that you will need to cut back here and there…so do not go in asking for more than is reasonably expected. For example, I was explaining to my attny that I would like a few grand to purchase the kids new bedroom sets (since I left everything) – my attny comment was…the judge could very well look at this request and say…you can pick up a mattress at Bob’s for 50.00 bucks. It is a bed. I learned early on that what we think is “required”….is very different than what the court do. Your L should help you with this.

I consider the child support a bargaining chip along with everything else to make sure I try and get what is most important for my daughters followed by myself. Right now I consider the house the most important. My youngest has stated to others that she does not like living in apartments and will stay in the house at least till she graduates high school. I can see that she has some fears that she is having to process right now and that her room is her safe place. I won't allow them to take away the safety that this home represents to my kids right now.

Like AJ said – great plan. Explain that to your L. Just wondering who is the “bread winner” between you and your W? That will dictate alimony.

My efforts right now will have to be to keep my attorney from wasting any effort until the dust settles and we have a clear idea of what is going on.

Good move! I told my attny that the one issue that was NOT negotiable was custody. Everything else was. It seems to me, that you are in a similar place with the addition of the “house” as a must for you. Stick to your guns. Do not be surprised if your W comes back with some ridiculous offer. Just stay calm.

My wife right now is in a phase where she does not want to see me, talk to me or even interact with me even if it concerns the girls. I suspect that she cannot understand why I am handling things and not falling apart. I know this is typical when the LBS does not match the picture they have created for the LBS. That is her problem. I don't plan on chasing her, contacting her or dealing with her.

And she may be in this phase for a long long time. I am not saying this to discourage you.

Until then I will go on with my life and be the rock for my daughters.

Yep. Focus on YOU and the kids.

Thats where I am struggling right now T. I swear my wife knows when I am doing something for myself and she does something to interfere. Last weekend I was going away for a night to go to the Hershey car show since the girls would be with their mother. Something I have wanted to do for a long time. Had everything set and she does her disappearing thing again. So now I am left again dealing with the girls. I had to bring my oldest home from college instead because she was stressed out and sick so needed a couple days to pull herself together.

I am planning to go with my older girls to a haunted house this coming weekend. I hope disrupts that.

Please do yourself a favor if you are not already doing it….document these issues with your W. It clearly shows that she cannot be a responsible parent right now. You can explain to your L…not to use this unless he/she has to.

As TS suggest, you really need to figure out a way to do things for you. Hike on Case Mountain….hang out by Bolton lake, Coventry lake, maybe a visit to the vineyard in Coventry. I know that you may feel guilty about leaving the girls…but an hour or two to clear your head is okay. Heck…you can even bring them. I used to bring Toria with me to a spot in South Windsor that you can walk along the CT river. One of my fav pictures of my daughter were taken there. Be creative and if you need ideas…just let me know.

Chin up buddy!

Here a few things the girls may be interested in trying. They are not too expensive.

Soar indoors – In Manchester. It is an indoor Aerial Adventure center. You can also pick up Groupons.
Hals archery – In Manchester. I thoughts my kids would not be interested…they ended up having a blast.
Movies – 5 dollar Tuesdays at the theater in Buckland Hills.
Nomads – in South Windsor (the olders ones may not be interest but your 14 year old may).
Hooker Brewery – Not for the kids…but I think every Thursday they have a tour of the brewery and beer sampling for 10 bucks.

I have a ton more ideas…let me know if you need any more.