Married young, W had affair w/ coworker

[UpperCu]

Yes, I do think you're going to have to set some financial boundaries, although it doesn't have to be today as you've already swallowed a lot. Maybe just tell her "Just so you know, I am NOT okay with spending of our joint family money on you seeing him, or in any way paying for you to conduct an affair, just so we're clear." You may have to make those moves soon or she may just respect your boundary like she did with the marital bed.

Stay the course . . . you're doing well.


Starsky

So I've been thinking about financial boundaries today and I'm not sure how to proceed. Here are some more details:

W initially confessed to EA after I found emails between her and OM on her phone, she voluntarily let me look at it but I found the email in her trash folder so she had to come up with a story. I directly asked her if she had sex with him, which she lied about several times saying it was only emotional. I connected the dots a few days later that it was also a PA for several weeks after a review of her Internet search history.

W is a grad student, is financially dependent on me, and she is currently unemployed. On Dday I set the financial boundary that I was not okay with supporting her if an affair was ongoing. After sending a firm email to her while she was on an out of town conference near where OM lives, she had one more fling with OM before coming home.

I told her then that I would not support us living together if she is in ongoing affair with OM. I laid out a plan where i basically would provide her with food, but I expected her to pay for half of all expenses going forward and to end the A before returning home. At this point I thought she was never coming home. She was avoiding me and I was shell shocked.

She came home after ending the A and has since been looking for jobs. She hasn't gotten one yet, but she decided last week to take out a $10k student loan which she says is for job certifications. I'm not that dumb and I realize she wants a safety net since her family is not supportive of her decisions and has advised her to reconcile the marriage and have encouraged me to hang in there. One of her supportive "whatever makes YOU happy" feminist friends likely advised her to do this. The job certifications are also necessary for a future project that OM will also work on... She never said she wanted these certifications before A.

The $10k is sitting in our joint account and she told me yesterday she wants to move it to a savings account. I've handled all finances and she has refused to help me out with handling finances when I've asked pre-affair. With that said, she doesn't have a clue about money or transferring funds, or how to get a debit card for one of our savings accounts... She asked for me to help her. I had previously asked for her NOT to take out this loan since she did not need it and we could sell a few things to pay for any certifications she needs.

My feelings on how to proceed financially are divided and I feel disrespected every day the loan money sits there. If she decides to reconcile I think one of my stipulations will be to return the loan funds as a sign to show she is serious. I will plan to tell her that very soon when I reiterate "not" using family money for her affair(s). Like you said Starsky, yesterday was a big pillow pill to swallow...

What are your thoughts on financial boundaries and my approach?

Feedback and prayers from all are welcomed.