Jefe, I wouldn’t worry about 2x4’s. You admit you have responsibility in the destruction of your relationship and you are willing to fix it. That’s pretty powerful.
Let’s start with what is probably her most crucial issue based on your assessment. Can you see what it is?
Studies show women need two things in a marriage: Love and security. Did you notice you pointed out both are lacking in your marriage.
Let me address love first.
You are absolutely head over heels in love with your wife but, according to you, neglected to let her know this. (Husbands love your wife even as Christ loved the Church…) Christ never stopped telling the Church how much He loved them. Even when He was hanging on the cross. Does your wife know you have this kind of unconditional love for her?
Love is a verb. A verb implies action. Anyone can say “I love you” but we recognize genuine love by actions.
Which brings me to security.
As much as you love your wife she may have been giving you signals that she was uneasy about you leaving a stable job in pursuit of a dream. Although you believe you can make it with no problem…women with children see the world completely different than men.
I am not here to crush your dream. But help you see life through her eyes.
A stable job means a stable income. Stable income means a stable home for her children. Food on the table, clothing, doctor appointments, vacations and the life a woman expects when she marries. This isn’t limited to your wife. This is a universal truth about most women. As much as we like to think we have progressed—in reality--we resent our husbands when they force us to worry about money.
I wish it wasn’t true but it is.
Then you handled leaving your dream all wrong. Here is what you did:
When you told her (2 weeks ago) that you would give it up and find a real job with a steady income if this is what SHE wanted…what she probably heard you say was:
“As another example of how I let you crush my dreams in order to save my family you soul-sucking witch—I will give up this dream. But this time you have to ask me nicely.” (Please say in your best Jack Nicholson voice because this is probably how she heard it.)
Maybe you could approach this conversation again but do it with her needs in mind.
“I realize I have been selfish. It didn’t occur to me that while pursuing my supposed dream that I was putting stress on you and my family. I was deceived. Please know that any “dream” (make sure you say it with air quotes) that turns your life into a nightmare isn’t my dream. My dream is to be a great husband. My dream is to be a great father. Because without my family I don’t have a dream. So why don’t we discuss what your dream is and how I can make your dreams come true?”
This lets her know she is loved, her opinion is valued and your family is your dream. But, the most important part of this conversation is designed to change her vision from “the relationship is ending” to “we have a future.”
She may respond with, “I don’t know. I don’t have any dreams of us anymore.”
If she says this then you say:
“That’s okay. I can dream big enough for the two of us.”
Then tell her one of your dreams for the future.
Make sure it involves the family because it will be easier for her to envision. Maybe it’s dancing at your grandchildren’s wedding. But make it a big dream. Make it vivid. Make it real. What is she wearing? What are you thinking when you take her in your arms and dance with her? Do you give a toast at the wedding? What do you say?
Keep this formula in mind: Cultivate everything that draws you together as a couple. Dispose of everything that divides you as a couple.
Let me address the “yeller” and the “lasher” issue. Yellers usually yell because they don’t feel heard. Lashers usually lash because they are still angry.
Yellers can be easier to deal with if they are “true yellers.” By that I mean--they just want to be heard and understood in the moment. They don’t want to manipulate the situation but they want their opinion to be valued. A yeller enters dangerous territory when they use yelling as a tool for terror, manipulation or abuse. Buy a lot of yellers are “in the moment” people. They say things they instantly regret and spend a lot of time apologizing for things they shouldn’t have said “in the moment.”
Lashers tend to be more complicated. Lashers rarely say what they feel in the moment and then find alternative avenues to vent anger. Their anger baffles yellers. For example, lashers are late picking up the kids and when a yellers says, “What kept you?” a lasher will respond, “Are you saying I’m a terrible mother! Well, you’re not that great of a father, either!!!” Huh? The yeller thought he was asking about traffic. How did this become a conversation about parenting?
Lashers harvest anger. They massage it and think about it for a while. This is why a yeller MUST go back and apologize over and over and over again to a lasher until the lasher is completely healed. The way a yeller knows a lasher is “over it” is when a lasher can joke about the argument.
Regarding her issues about the OM and parenting your child—take all those off the table. Those aren’t “her” issues. Those are a family issue now. Your options are limited on this.
And, last but not least: Romance. What is her idea of romance? You were pretty good at romancing her once because (out of all the men in the world) she choose you. So we know you know what she likes. In fact, you know better than any man in the world. Are you aware of this?
Again, studies show a woman’s need for romance increases after marriage. So we need to put you into turbo-romance mode.
