last night, it bugged me ... so, I placed a bid to which I felt comfortable with. It was not as high as he would have wanted me to go, but he did say "bid what I want" after all...
I placed the bid because this way I took it upon myself to do what I was comfortable with and wouldn't have had to deal with him if I didn't bid. However, I was sure to not be happy with him in the morning.
The bid was accepted.
This morning he texts:
"Morning Wasn't upset"
I text back:
"then why did you leave our discussion? I feel that "bid what you want" and dropping convo mid discussion aren't "lets get along" ways.
He replied:
"fell asleep guess a would have helped"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sandi... this is a lie... He does NOT just drop off like that to sleep.
What do I say next?
Now he is calling me... I am ignoring it.
Do I ignore the fact that he is now lying? Lying is dismissing what he did! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are correct. This time of the month has me sensitive!! And it does have my feelings more intense. Keeping this in mind!
Last edited by makingmagic; 10/14/1401:41 PM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
We have somewhat formed "business hours" however bidding is something that we need to be available to 24/7. This doesn't happen all the time... but, we still need to be available to discuss/agree before bidding.
I agree.. when HE feels he is done, then he is done... and the way he goes about it, comes across as dismissal. I don't like it. I would not do that to him. I don't think thats the way you treat someone you care about. I don't want to be treated this way.
I could suggest ground rules... but not sure what they should be based on the nature and flexibility of our industry and the desire to make money & get rid of our inventory to downsize.
I do not want this to turn into a monster... I will find a way to briefly mention how I am not comfy bidding without his support. That it is not worth us not getting along. Then I will pause. Then let him know that ending the call abruptly is like leaving me with no closure.
Do I not approach this on a personal level too? ending calls abruptly left me hurt/discouraged.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Read Sandi's post on your thread several times. Then...re read them.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Can you tell me why you are ignoring his calls? Just as you know his routines well enough to believe he didn't just drop off to sleep, he also knows you. You don't want your actions to resemble game playing to him.
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Do I ignore the fact that he is now lying? Lying is dismissing what he did!
Well, since you can't control what he does, and since you are not his mother.....I would not bring it up. It might be a little white lie that keeps him from saying, "I just wanted you to shut up!" Today is a new day and he is contacting you. If you have no hidden cameras in his house that proves he is lying, I say let it ride.
Quote:
I agree.. when HE feels he is done, then he is done... and the way he goes about it, comes across as dismissal. I don't like it. I would not do that to him. I don't think thats the way you treat someone you care about. I don't want to be treated this way.
I don't blame you. Neither would I like it.
You could suggest a compromise. If he will tell you he has to end the call in a couple of minutes.....and allow you time to wrap it up, then you won't send text messages immediately following the phone discussion. That way, both of you give & take a little.
Quote:
Do I not approach this on a personal level too? ending calls abruptly left me hurt/discouraged.
If it were me, I would try what I suggested above.....this time. Again, emphasize how you are the type of person who needs to feel they have exhausted some subjects and if the calls ends abruptly, it is very difficult for you to deal with on several levels (emotionally, professionally, etc.) I wouldn't specify "hurt/discouraged" at this time. But if it continues, then you may have to be more descriptive.
But MM.......if he tries to honor this by compromising, you will have your part to fulfill. (No bugging him with more texting "after" the conversation has ended.) He could very well feel that as pressure, smothering, nagging.......who knows what? I have noticed that he is like you said.....when he's through he is ready for it to stop. So I think you hurt yourself when you text him after the call ends.
I wonder if that is why you have such a strong need to "clarify" yourself after having a discussion. You struggle with closure on the discussion until you think all possible avenues have been exhausted? If so, it may be tough on him to be around you...at times, since he has a different personality. If you could learn to discipline yourself in this area, it might just prove to be a very positive outcome in your personal connection with him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
well, that didn't go as well as I would have liked it.
I was going to keep my mouth shut and not say anything... maybe I should have.
I gently approached the subject when he brought up the fact that our bid won. I started with the fact that I was not comfy with bidding without his support. He got defensive right away and told me I should bid without his consent as he was truly not invested in this purchase & fell asleep. I told him I was left hanging and thought we should discuss a rule on this and that abrupt discussions are not conducive to "getting along". He pointed out that my DD and I do it to him, all the time. I know she does, but I don't...He insisted he fell asleep and that is why the convo ended abruptly. That there is no rule when you fall asleep.
I don't believe him but did not say so... my face may have and he was insistent on insisting that I was making a big deal of it all. I was quiet, I didn't know what else to say or how to respond.
He asked if we were done? I nodded and he was rushing to get out the door.
I was going to leave it there, but one more comment from me and he interrupts with "I thought you were done with this". My comment was that I could have not mentioned anything at all but thought it was better to tell him so that we could have a rule in place (re:bidding), and that if he has an issue/solution that wouldn't he bring it up to me? Again, he insisted that he was sleeping, there is no rule & that this will happen again because I can bid without him. If it was an issue for him and he wanted to bid much more, then we would discuss it ... if need be.
So.... I guess that is the new rule.
But, we both left frustrated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thanks for chiming in Eric... I am just reviewing your post now.
Thanks Sandi.... I wonder if there is anything to say now? or leave it alone (based on clarifying/closure comments). My guess is leave it be now. I just want us back to our happy place... how do we get there?
Last edited by makingmagic; 10/14/1405:04 PM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I was going to leave it there, but one more comment from me and he interrupts with "I thought you were done with this".
That pretty much backs up what I said in my last post. It does bug him to think the discussion is closed and then you bring it up again. Clearly, this needs to be a goal for you, Magic. Don't you think? You can use us to hash it out, if needed, to get it out of your system a little....until you can get control and discipline over it. I don't see this as being a piece of cake for you. But I do see it as rewarding, if you conquer it.
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My comment was that I could have not mentioned anything at all but thought it was better to tell him so that we could have a rule in place (re:bidding), and that if he has an issue/solution that wouldn't he bring it up to me?
Maybe the next goal would be to let go of your bulldog grip in these discussions. He already was irritated at you, right? He clearly did not wish to hash it out (for whatever reasons) and he was trying to leave (rushing to get out the door). So I would say your timing was off. When you see these warnings.....take care that you do not keep chewing on it.
Now, when the two of you are able to have a nice, quite, time alone (maybe by the pool or wherever) and he is relaxed, try to approach the subject of this issue differently. Do not make it about him falling asleep and ending the call. You lose the whole point by throwing that little issue into this. Make it about the two of you learning to find a solution or compromise with the issue of your need to exhaust topics vs his need to end you talking abruptly. And, I hate to say it, but I have to believe the way he's doing this is more about him ending you talking, rather than closing the topic. Think about it.
These very things can work like a computer worm in a R. It just slowing corrupts the good parts.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My guess is leave it be now. I just want us back to our happy place... how do we get there?
It has been my experience (b/c my H is not a talker and I am) that if I simply shut up about it and act as if I am okay, then we do get back to the happy place. You see, I am the one who wants to work everything out by talking. He doesn't. It was hard for me to learn how to not talk as a solution to everything. But I have to admit I could actually see myself hurting the situation by not shutting down my mouth. My mouth was pushing him away. Sorry to say, but I think you push your BF away the same way.
Relentless topic discussion = pushing him away
Now ask yourself, what is more important to you. Having him listen to all you want to say.......or having a closer relationship with him?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes..it does bug him to think the discussion is closed and I bring it up again. Clearly a GOAL I need to work harder on. I have changed my bulldog ways, but clearly not enough. I still do feel the need to clarify because I don't get closure... See how our last disagreement went? Without final agreement on bidding policy.
Good call that when I see these warnings to not continue to chew it out... very very good!!
What happens next is maybe what I should work on... I never seem to bring it up again. Either because it gets forgotten or I can't be bothered or now due to fear. Fear of rehashing this again. Fear of him labelling it my bulldog ways. Let it go!
Like you, I am the one who wants to work everything out by talking! YES... Me me me too!!! Admittingly, this is not a solution to everything....clearly. As above, I am learning how to not talk as a solution. So, unsure whether to bring this up again another day or not. I think his excuse of sleeping ends that discussion for him. Maybe another time... off topic, I can bring up learning to find solutions and compromises...like you suggest.
I agree.. I believe my mouth has hurt our situations in the past... so much!!! I fear having any disagreement with him now too. I agree when I do try to talk it out, it pushes him away. I do not want to be in a rel'p with him where I cannot discuss issues and that I do not stand up for myself at all... I fear this will happen. So, I want to be sure to say 'something' at times, even if its not quite right. We both need instructions on how to disagree and find solutions. I wish he would go to counselling with me.
I wish I wasn't PMS... now I am teary.
BTW... I like your math equations... they are clear & I am able to resonate very well with them!!!
Thanks so much!!
I think we are back to happy place now, although I realize I am emotional so will keep my distance today.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I still do feel the need to clarify because I don't get closure... See how our last disagreement went? Without final agreement on bidding policy.
Do you see him agreeing with you as being closure? I am asking if agreement = closure. If the two of you hash out something and he refuses to agree 100%, do you feel as though you need to express you viewpoint more clearly in order for him to finally see where you are right?
Second question: Are you pretty much this way with everyone, or is with mainly just him? in other words, have you always been this way as long as you remember, or has this developed since knowing him?
If he does not agree with your viewpoint, do you feel it is a rejection of you by him? Are you able to hear an opinion stated and separate/isolate it so that it does not feel that it is a personal attack or rejection? In other words, can you separate his view point from being a personal aim at you? An example of this is when you were discussing you viewpoint of the business bids and he had a different VP. You felt rejected. Why? How were you tying yourself and the bid into being the same? Are you saying that Disagreement = Rejection? Can you have one in business and not in personal life? His Business Disagreement = Business Rejection? Yet, he told you to bid whatever you wanted. So it must mean that Business Disagreement = Business Opinion. What do you think?
I realize people can drag inappropiate wording into their opinions and that makes it personal. Like, "That is the most stupid idea I've ever heard!". Now if he words his opinions in that type manner, then it would be difficult not to take it personally. I hope you will enlighten us more.
We need to figure out a solution that will help you to not bring up this topic with him.........while we work on other solutions, too. Maybe someone will offer a great solution to help with learning about timing. "How to work the mouth......all in good timing!"
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
