Married young, W had affair w/ coworker

[UpperCu]

If you smother her, it's going to completely backfire. She needs to know you HEAR her, and that while you don't agree, you do respect her decision right now.

Of course, you WILL have to set boundaries as part of that (she should move out, or at LEAST move into the guest room and no just coming-and-going at all hours of the night . . . you shouldn't pay for ANYTHING that she uses to conduct her affair(s), etc.).

If I can find it, I'll post a link to some old "Set them Free" thoughts by an old poster around here -- there's some excellent stuff in there. It's basically just a harder-core version of MWD's "dropping the rope" mixed with her "after-the-LRT"

Talked with W last night before going to sleep. She initiated the convo and had quite a few questions about what I've been up to, where I went for dinner (met some friends from church), etc. Seems like she is noticing the lack of pursuit and is curious.

She told me she was surprised that during MC I was not ok with the hug/compliment assignment the counselor requested. She also said she was glad to see that I have started to GAL. I reiterated why I did not think we were ready for the hug/compliment approach (in my head I was thinking "because NOT pursuing is one of sandi's 37 rules") and told her that although she has ended the PA, since she cannot commit to not seeing OM and has not committed to our marriage, and has told me she has no plans to make any changes to avoid crossing paths with OM because of how it might affect her career, that from my perspective the A has not ended. I explained I have more dignity than to just allowing both the A to continue and pretend like we are reconciling our marriage.

She asked what was next, and I told her for starters, our bed represents our marriage, intimacy, our relationship and if she doesn't commit to our marriage I don't think she should sleep in it. She acknowledged and slept in the guest bed. I had a video chat with my family while she got ready for bed and she stayed within earshot the whole 30 minutes... She seems very interested and curious, maybe this is a sign of something happening to her?

Can't think of any ways I'm directly supporting her affair financially right now, although I pay for everything, but if she drives to his area (it's far enough away I'll know if she went) then I plan to set that boundary since I pay for her car, gas, insurance. Do you think I need to set a boundary financially at this point (I don't believe she is currently pursuing the A)?

Looking forward to reading more about the techniques you mentioned.