FINALLY SURFACING

[Fartiltre]

I am so busy these weeks so my time here and everywhere else is limited. Right now I prioritize me, my children, my IRL-life and then off course new woman (NW)

I find myself feeling happy and content I feel better than ever and only two issues rises I my mind when I look for fears, upcoming troubles and so on.

First one is about NW and if I am ready for this. Shrink, friends and so tells me I am, but the time spent here and all the reading I have done gives me doubts. Few days ago a dear friend told me to go with my feeling. “If you feel like spending time with her – then do it” and I guess that will be the mantra for the upcoming time. And – oh boy – I feel like spending the time.
Perhaps it is time for me to actually follow my own feelings and my own heart for once and stop thinking twice about every word I say or decision I make. I don’t want (in any way) to fall back into old habits so I have made plans with shrink so she will help me stay on track, I have shared many of my thoughts and worries with NW so she knows about my past and old me, I have shared with friends that will help me – I feel I have a caring group of people that will back me if needed. I feel motivated to stay on track simply because I feel good. I like new me so much better than old me and I recognize the power of old habits and what caused me to fall as deep as I did in the R with W. I think I might be ready

NW met my Ds (as a friend) Saturday and it was crazy! They totally loved her and asked me to call her and invite her to stay for dinner after she had left. She came back and we enjoyed the evening. There were so many nice interactions between her and the Ds that I can’t count them, but two stands out.

1/
D7 pulled me aside and this happened:
D7: “Dad, are you in love with NW?”
Me: “I think she is very nice…why do you ask?”
D7: “I would like you to be….”

2/
NW stayed the night! She slept in a separate room. I slept with her but went to my own bed very early so the Ds wouldn’t/didn’t notice. When D5 woke up and discovered that NW was still there she got up without spilling one word to me, went to NW and tugged herself in beside NW in her bed.

I was taken completely by surprise and just writing this makes my heart jump again. Ds actually chose NW above me several times (when seating at dinner table, sitting in the couch and so on. I haven’t experienced that before with anybody, but XW)
NW was as surprised as me and at the same time as happy as me……

I am trying to take it slow, NW and I have talked about it but I (both of us) just get pulled back right in. I feel and act as I am in love with all its goodies, but I also (now) know that this makes me see it all in a different and perhaps brighter and better light than I should. I fear that this light covers the truth. I try to step back and look at the situation with objective eyes, at me, at her, at the children and all I see is good – still I get the fears.

The second issue for fears is my financials…the company I work in is on its way to bankruptcy and I will have to look into new possibilities soon.

Still I feel good and I am certain that everything will be all right. I feel enlightened and at peace and solely due to BD – it is crazy how a devastating and life-changing experience can make you go from (briefly) thinking about taking your own life to what I feel at the moment.
NW is a part of my happy-feeling but she is not the cause of it in any way.

XW (as I will call her from hereon) and I get along fine. We doesn’t talk that much and solely about children. That is just fine to me! I have informed her about NW as I didn’t want her to learn this from the Ds or anyone else but me. She seemed OK with this but then again “only trust half……” still goes
I do not in any way feel attracted towards XW. I see the hurt the D has put on the children and it hurts me that they are hurting – that is the sole cause for me still seeing that XW and I being together would cause any good….and that just isn’t enough! I am gone!
I informed her about NW on a text and got a “Congrats. That pleases me much to hear and thanks for informing me” back. I wanted her to hear it from me instead of the Ds or somebody in town. She seems to be fine with it.
We talked on the phone later and off course she is a bit curious which seems totally normal. The talk was as always pleasant and nice. She stated that “I have been thinking lately and it is time for me to put the pain and the hurt behind me”.

I might still have a chance of R but I don’t have the patience, the strength or whatever it takes. Furthermore the attraction is totally gone and the wish to build something new and strong by myself (and perhaps with NW) is stronger than ever.
I feel good!