I've dropped the rope....

[Sotto]

Hi Mr Bond, thanks for your questions. When we've talked about this, we looked at what we think are his, my and our issues.

His?
Suppressing own needs & wishes to please others. "I'm a father, husband, employee - but who am I?"
Letting little problems build up into larger ones by not raising/tackling them
Not looking after self & making himself happy
Long term feelings of "profound loneliness" - possible depression. His own family are in US and he misses them.
Feeling that he would have liked us to have a family together. When we started living together, I came off the pill. But I never got pregnant, and am menopausal now. He says this isn't central, but something he would have liked...I know OW keen to have kids.

Mine?
Trying to be a bit too perfect (duty bound?) wife, stepmum, employee - rather than just being me
Not truly saying how I feel about things (eg: not always easy to step parent etc.)
Losing touch with my sense of fun - H described me as "buttoned up/corporate." Also, a bit too involved in 'organising' stuff - forgetting to just go with the flow....
Burying my head in sand and not understanding degree of H's unhappiness
Not dressing up/making the most of my assets (H feels I'm very attractive - would like to see me dress more provocatively - feels I am a bit conservative.)

Ours?
We have always been pretty 'low conflict' - both quite accommodating, polite. We have both struggled to raise and resolve issues & would suppress things.
Our love life had become 'routine' - H described it as 'functional' - lost spontaneity
Relationship has suffered as a result of H working away 3 days/week with long commute & high earning/pressure job - not much time/energy to do things
Realised we need to communicate better about deeper things.

I asked H whether he had 'fallen out of love with me' and he said no - he very much still sees me as a 'lover' and not a 'friend' or 'sister.' But he says he really needs to work on himself now, and that he's not 'moving' at the moment. Says he needs to work on his own issues before being in a 'big' relationship again. That said, he hasn't ended the A.

His first marriage lasted for 10 years. Both met in early 20s, whirlwind romance and married within 6 months. Difficult relationship - H was quite submissive - marriage was quite combative. He felt ex wife was v. critical & blamed him for problems that were hers (ie:depression) - or at least 'theirs' - ie: it takes two to make a marriage work etc. She and I have always got along well - but I know he was keener to meet a calmer, gentler partner after his first marriage. She is very assertive/forthright..

He was faithful during his first marriage. I have struggled with this because it wasn't a happy marriage, but he remained faithful. Yet he said our marriage has been a happy one - but he hasn't been faithful. He has always said how important fidelity is to him. He once said to me if I was ever unfaithful, our marriage would be over right away. I asked him what happened to these strong principles - and he said something along the lines of - I guess I let them slide...

I have never been unfaithful.

He and I met a year after their separation and took things pretty slowly. He had already started dating other people a few months before that & we met on an online dating site. His ex wife was unfaithful right towards the end of their marriage when things had got pretty bad. He and she are on reasonable terms now though. She would come to ours for dinner sometimes & vice versa. We also had her Mum over for dinner with us once - so all quite amicable. She's pretty upset with him about what has happened now..