Need help. Scared, confused pt 2

[Jefe]

“I have been waiting to comment because I wanted you to give insight regarding the personal interaction between you and your wife. But you don't discuss your actual relationship. Are you aware of this?”

No, I guess I wasn’t.

“What I mean is you haven't given any insight into how do/did you talk/interact? How did you conflict resolve? Or did you resolve conflict? What were your wife's primary issues with you? I know there was OM but this wasn't the only issue in your marriage.”

We don’t do conflict well at all. If it get really tense we often go to bed mad or worse. I’m a yeller and I want to fix it right now. She’s more of a lasher and she wants to go and cool off but I can’t ever seem to let it go. We don’t argue well at all. We both have flaws, but I guarantee if I fixed mine, we could deal with hers a whole lot better.

“You made reference to other issues. What were they? And when I ask "what were they" I want to know "what were the issues SHE complained about" not the issues concerning you.
For example, was she worried about money, security, drinking, etc. Studies show infidelity in women is different than infidelity in men. Most women are unfaithful because they seek to supplement something missing in their current relationship (love, security, excitement, etc.)

What was she saying that you weren't hearing? Keep in mind: I am not excusing her behavior. But if you don't know what was happening in your marriage then how can you fix it if she returns? You will be in the exact same place this time next year.”

Her issues, as I understand them, in order of my perceived importance to her and from her viewpoint:
1) Lack of flexibility and willingness to compromise in dealing with OM1’s family and visitation.
2) Constant complaining/griping – She can’t do anything right
3) Lack of intimacy / romance the way she needs and desires it
4) Jealousy (of OM1)
5) Lack of help with the household chores

In the early days my drinking was a huge problem but thanks to God I’ve been sober almost 4.5 years. In the last year I left my stable job with the stable income and we started our own business. The money is not steady and I underestimated how utterly un-secure this was going to make her feel. It has been a dream of mine for many years, I think we can make it no problem, and this is just a normal start-up stress and tension but she is not dealing with it well at all. I told her 2 weeks ago that if she wanted me to just give it up and find a real job with steady income that I would gladly do it because she is more important to me than this silly business. I have had several offers since I left my gig last year and finding a job won’t be a problem. I am negotiating a possible deal as we speak. Just need to hammer out some of the perks and growth details and make a final decision on the offer.

“Something you said in your first blog struck me. You said you wish you could go back in time and do things different. What things?”

I wish I would have made her more important. I should have loved God more than her and above all. I should have loved her above anyone and anything else. Instead at times I made her my god or put everything else above her and God was on the side somewhere. I knew many things I needed to do early on but would find myself in the middle of not doing it and would ask myself “what the hell am I doing?”

I have been absolutely head over heels in love with my wife since 2 weeks after we started dating, I have just neglected to make sure she KNEW that.

“Now on to specific issues Your wife said:

"We are not together anymore and will not be anymore. I will that the girls where I choose when I want. The same goes for you. I will not be asking or telling you about where I take them. They will always be safe with me. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean they can't be around them."

"We will get a divorce ASAP just saying so please stop trying to win me over. I don't want your opinions on anything."

As an outside observer...this is really random. What prompted such harshness by her? Or is this normal conversation between the two of you? Do not say that she is just being mean or spiteful. She has had many opportunities to be mean and spiteful but she waited until now to take the shot.

Why?”

My inability to just STFU. I wanted to talk about the incident that happened and I pushed too hard. I was supposed to be detaching but I blew that and before I could reign it back in, I had already said too much. It is pretty typical for her when she’s feeling cornered, judged or hurt by me to go into “take no prisoners” mode. Meaning she will usually lash back as hard and violent as she can. So she sent the above text and unfriended me on FB as retaliation.
There is a ton of stuff going on in our lives, from the time we were toddlers on, that contribute to this dynamic but if we could just fix how I communicate with her I think the rest of it would take a back seat.

“Get completely honest and we will be able to roll up our sleeves and get to work on your marriage.”

YES PLEASE!