I can be the lighthouse but not the tugboat

[daring]

Been " offline" for a few days- had a rough weekend- H and I disagreed about some things. And I got a little too intoxicated Sat night and was not feeling too good. I think I need to take a break from alcohol as when I'm feeling down already it just makes me feel worse.

So today I had a mini meltdown- months ago I had asked H to get his clothes out of the house. Tonight after I got home all of the sudden I turn around and see his side of the closet empty. I just started bawling. Clearly I've been diving deeper into my abandonment fears and childhood wounds and I'm doing some serious processing.
So I called H and I asked him to please inform me before he's going to do something like that. Unexpected changes ( like last week's morning when I thought I would see the kids and didn't) are upsetting and cause stress.
He apologized and I told him he didn't do anything wrong- I was just informing him of what I need from him.
Then he started talking about how he would like some kid pictures and family pictures and could he scan them? And then mentioned he had to put together an inventory of what's his and mine and he didn't want me to be surprised by that. Which means he is definitely moving forward with the D as that is paperwork required to finalize the process.
H said something very sweet to me at one point when he was talking about showing the kids our good parts and he said " half of my heart is you". Oh really? Then why the F are you doing this????? I know I know, MLC. But he seems closer to finishing the process and coming out of the tunnel- I see a more mature version of old H emerging.
So why does he have to go this far? Uggghh! I am really feeling hopeless.