MLC? Let it Be.

[LiveNow]

Well, let's see. My last post was 9/24. And just about nothing has changed - STILL. My counselor keeps urging me to sit down and have an R talk with H. So strange, though. He does weird things. His best friend's father passed away last week, and I sent my usual card/hand-written note to him and his wife, and made my usual donation to a related charity. H apparently had seen my note and made a big point of thanking me for 'what I did', and mentioned that they were so 'thankful' for my kind words. IDK, I just think that's so odd. That's what I've always done - for anyone. When he is here at the house (occasionally, taking care of the lawn), he doesn't look at me when he talks, seems nervous or something. Still no more talk of mediation, and apparently our vacation home is STILL not on the market - at least 6 weeks ago we discussed putting it up for sale.

I'm just at a complete loss at what to do next. I've GAL'd my butt off this year, and I continue to do that. It just seems like he is permanently in la-la land. Still can't deal with the reality of his life (still not seeing a counselor, even though he insists he wants to, needs to). Days and days and days go by with no word. I still don't know where his apartment is; I refuse to ask and he doesn't say.

So here is the question for you all: His biggest complaint about our R was that we weren't connected on a very deep level. Looking back, there is some truth to that, although I just don't think I realized it - but neither did he until we had been married for 20 years (!). Regardless, keeping that in mind, does anyone have any suggestions for me???

Really, I am at a loss. Plain and simple. I haven't cried in over a month - don't feel like I need to anymore. SO tired of this game. He comes by, talks about anything and everything EXCEPT the HERD of elephants in the room, and I just can't stand it anymore! It's SO incredibly absurd. I am his wife - and I have NO IDEA how he feels about me at this point. NONE. That is just so insane.

I have been 'lurking' mostly lately because there just has been nothing to say. But, I keep reading because there are so many 'gems' in what all of you are writing. So much strength you all show. I feel pretty strong, worthy, all that stuff. I feel pretty good about all the work I've done on myself this past year. I know it was necessary and I am grateful for this opportunity. So, ok. That's great. Now what? I think I have an unwritten deadline, and that's spring 2015. I think I can wait until then, but if we are not either on the path to reconciliation (at least TALKING constructively), or on the path to divorce by then, it will be time to throw in the towel. I see no reason to waste any more time. I'm 51, and will be 52 in March. I think almost 2 years of waiting around for H will be enough. My friend keeps telling me she thinks he will come back around someday, but it may take a divorce to make that happen.

Ladies' weekend away 'up north' this coming weekend. Taking Thursday and Friday off. Thursday morning I will make a detour and drive by the vacation home - just to see what exactly is happening there. H says he's been 'working' up there (presumably to get it ready to sell). Last time I was there was mid-August. It looked so neglected and abandoned that it made me cry (you see, if he was not still seeing OW, he would have been taking care of the place, so it plainly showed me he is still 'somewhere else' on weekends, and not at our place). Geez, I guess I feel neglected and abandoned too.

Anyway, I really need this weekend - these are 5 close friends from high school. Always a great time. Looking forward to it! Thinking good thoughts for all of you in DB land this week. Keep up the GREAT work. Together, we are gathering strength to move forward, whatever that means for each of you. So glad we all can share here. Don't know where I'd be without it. Peace out...