Inside My chrysalis 5

[Card29]

Ss, there are many things you need to work on. And you have identified a lot and have been working on them. But his porn problem is HIS problem, not yours. And you can't address that until he has bought in on reconciliation. At that point I hope he would agree that it is necessary to eliminate porn from his life. And that is only the first step in a long journey of a recovery.

I speak from experience. I had a lingering porn problem for years. I blamed my W for it due to lack of sex. "If only she would have sex with me regularly, I would stop." For one, I had the problem from when I was a teenager, long before I met W. Secondly, she did become regularly intimate with me, and guess what? The porn continued. She couldn't fix it. It was my problem to fix. Now you could support his recovery, eventually. My W supported me through a fight against porn years ago and I had my best porn-free period of my adult life (maybe 6 months). But I never really got over it and it came back. It took this crisis to show me how porn played a hand in the destruction of my M. I had convinced myself "What she doesn't know won't hurt her", and I successfully hid it for the last 5 years. But it hurt her (and me) tremendously. It killed our intimacy in the bedroom. It was about sensation, not love or closeness. It's only been a couple of months since I really stopped, but it feels different this time. I hate the idea of porn because M is so much more important to me. But I know I will need to be forever vigilant. And I'm proving that lack of sex is a bunk excuse for porn. I am getting NO action right now yet I am in the most porn-free mindset of my life

Regarding your H, don't even think about that problem right now. I don't know how addicted he is, but some H's (myself included, in the past) fantasize about living alone and not having to hide porn. They think the guilt will disappear, and it will be even more fulfilling than ever. If that is him, he will quickly learn that it will be even more empty than before. That is what happened to me. After she moved out, I thought "well at least I don't have to hide this anymore". It didn't take long for me to feel more disgusted than ever. I found some great porn-quitting resources, learned about just how damaging it is to the intimacy of a M, and I was finally ready to kick the habit. Like I said, with how long I've had this problem (14 years?), it will probably take me 2 years to feel truly free, but I feel like I'm on the way there.

Sorry, spilling my guts a little here, but felt this perspective could be useful for you and any other W of a porn addict.