Maybell, your memory is amazing. Yes, there were things I found on his computer soon after BD. I addressed some of it but not all of it and of course according to him, it's nothing. I am not sure to do with all that. I guess it's something I plan to address perhaps in MC should we ever get there? I don't know. His apparent porn addiction was written off as my fault just as everything else. I guess I put all that away because I don't know how to deal with it all.
I think so much of what I struggle with is the duality of being very ME focused for a while, feeling good, strong and detached and then suddenly, out of no where, I'm very H centric and feeling desperate again.
I definitely fight the process. I do that with a lot of things in my life. I'm notorious for fighting things against my control (duh). I need to put my head down and pull out a 180 in this department.
It's like I get itchy or antsy for progress I can measure. Something I can put on a graph and submit for peer review (oy, having parents as academics is really showing huh?). What can I say, I like results. Who doesn't? And I"m always in a hurry. Wonder why that is. I guess part of me feels like I'm always behind. Not just in things to do but in where I am in my life.
My work is not done. Clearly. I am so grateful for all of you who come and tell me to stop tantruming and to ACCEPT and to DETACH and grow for ME. You'd think that being ME focused would be easy but it's not because a lot of what i see I don't like. At all.
