KGirl - 7 months later...

[KGirl]

Kitty just had the string wrapped around his tooth (too bad he wouldn't open his mouth for me so I could have figured that out!) and will be fine providing he didn't eat more pieces. Have to watch for symptoms. Of course he was super cooperative there and vet said he was such a great cat. Funny how they behave so well when they are scared and in a new place

[KGirl]

Today was a good day. I had the day off, so I:
-snuggled kitty for awhile
-had a chocolate strawberry belgian waffle at the local cafe
-went to the arboretum we have in town (10 years and I've never been there.. figured it was time) and spent 3 hours hiking/walking amongst the fall foliage. I found a pond where I made friends with some turtles, ducks, and wild turkeys It's truly amazing to find yourself in 1000+ acres of "wild" in the middle of a good-sized city.
-had a frozen custard pumpkin shake
-and now am being productive.

I was a little sad for H at the arboretum. Not sad that I was alone, but moreso sad for him that he hasn't experienced such a cool thing, and that he spends so much time indoors/on electronics. I feel sorry for him, in a way, that he misses out on these opportunities (OK, I suppose he could be doing such things but I really do doubt it).

I had an awakening/discovery yesterday that made me feel a lot better about the possibility of dating someone else in the future. I'm not sure how to word it without being too explicit (and I'm glad this is in theory an anonymous board!) but one of the things H said after BD was that he didn't feel like he was "adequate" in regards to s*x because the basic act of it didn't "do it" for me. He felt like I must be capable of "it" without extra "help" if he just tried harder, or longer, or whatever. I had told him that it just didn't work like that for me, and was that way for a lot of women (or so I hoped, anyway) so he didn't need to be so concerned about that, and there were alternate ways of getting to the same end point. I really didn't get why he was concerned because I had never voiced any concerns or upset-ness about the physical part of our R. But he was convinced that it must be possible.. and then I started to feel like there must be something wrong with ME. Then yesterday I read an article that said 75% of women have the same circumstances, and now I feel relieved. I was sure that if I started dating again I would be weird and have to explain to guys "so just doing that doesn't really do much for me.." and now I feel like that won't be so. It's strange how that was so scary for me. I guess with the right person when it's time, it wouldn't be awkward to talk about. But dating is for some other day, right? Reading that makes me wonder why H wouldn't believe me when I said that was normal. Too much TV and porn influencing what he thinks should happen, maybe? Or maybe it was just a random reason he pulled out of his @$$, like many of the others, to try and explain something that really didn't have an explanation (or was due to OW that he didn't want to admit).

[KGirl]

Oh, one of the productive things I did today? I emailed H to let him I know I was taking him off this optional vision insurance we are both on. It's "open enrollment" month at work where I can make some of those changes. The plan was essentially pay $60 for the insurance over the course of a year, get $100 a year to use towards contact lenses, so you got a free $40/person. However, we have a hard time keeping track each year as to whether or not he's paid me back for his part of the insurance (it all comes out of my paycheck) so I figured, why do this again next year? Takin' him off. He doesn't really need it, it's not like it's the health insurance. I didn't ask him what he thought, or if I should or shouldn't (that's really just temp checking in disguise), just said I was going to do it. We'll see if he has anything to say..

[Georgiabelle]

KGirl,

I'm glad kitty is okay and it sounds like you had a fabulous day. Fall foliage, kitty snuggling AND a pumpkin custard shake? Haters gonna hate!!!!

You sound good. My xh blamed me for his ED issues so please know that your h is being hurtful. You sound like an intelligent, lovely lady and your h is looking for someone to blame for his unhappiness.

Keep doing fun things and enjoy yourself! Sending you a hug my fellow BD date friend:-)

[KGirl]

GB, your "haters gonna hate" reminded me of Taylor Swift's latest song. Listening to that (despite the controversy.. I'll confess I haven't even read up on what it is, but I know there is one) lifts my spirits when I start getting down about H and all that goes with it. As well as listening to TLC's "No Scrubs" ('cause that's about what my H sounds like right now.) And today at the gym I listened to some inspiration Kelly Clarkson breakup music. This is better than when this happened the last time and I listened to depressing songs - listening to songs that describe people drinking themself to death over the end of a relationship ("Whisky Lullaby", Brad Paisley) did not exactly help me with avoiding self-destructive behaviors. This time, only positive songs!!

Now I'm off to make a recipe that H would hate everything about it - fancy mac and cheese with onions and mushrooms. He doesn't like onions and mushrooms, and I imagine this is too unhealthy for him in his current diet. Trying to find the positives about him not being around

[claire7]

K-Girl, that sounds delicious!

[KGirl]

It sure was delicious! And today I'm making pumpkin cream cheese muffins, after watching my Packers win a great game Although, the muffins had this buttery struesel topping.. which when melted mixed with the red muffin liners to make... red liquid. So we'll see if I have red muffins or not! Can I assume it's food safe if it's on a muffin liner? :S

I just logged onto facebook and 3 people that I went to high school with had status updates that they were engaged. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others. I know I should feel better, maybe, that I'm still young and have lots of time to "start over." But I feel like I wasted my time on H when I could have been using the past 10 years to date, explore what type of people/characteristics I'm interested in, and find someone that could actually be a life-long partner. The only people my age that I know that are D'd are due to affairs, or got married very young (18, 19) under interesting circumstances (like marrying the tour guide they met on a high school field trip in a different country.. then realizing a year or two later that wasn't such a great idea), not because of "incompatibility" or "didn't work out" or something along those lines. It's still too early for a lot of people I know to be in this type of situation. I'm even apprehensive about changing my name back because people will assume that I got married (I have about 500 clients that I email weekly so it's hard to avoid) like when I first changed my name. Blah. Getting ahead of myself here, I know. I need to go eat some funky looking pumpkin muffins and do some introspective reading, I think.

[labug]

Maybe you just had things to learn.

And now you have.

[Card29]

Sometimes I have the same thoughts. "I wasted my 20's". The reality is, I had no idea how to build and sustain a marriage, and it took this kind of trauma to open my eyes. So this may have happened regardless of who I ended up with. But our goal can't be to wish about something in the past, but instead to learn from it and make positive changes so that it doesn't happen again.

[KGirl]

I certainly have learned some things.. I just wish there was some other way to do that without spending $15000 on a wedding, and thousands more dollars on a downpayment for a house, and now feeling broke (OK,I know I'm not broke, but I'm missing the flexibility and cushion I had before. I thought living paycheck to paycheck was a sign you weren't doing well. Now I'm much closer to that and really have to pay attention to where money goes). An expensive learning process, I guess. I know there are more things I've learned but at the forefront of my mind today was this: if someone hesitates to take a big step (moving in together, marriage, etc.) I need to just let that person go, and not pressure/convincing/demand it of them. Why did I want to or would I want to be with someone that I have to convince to be with me?? I don't want to be in an R with anyone in the future unless they genuinely want to be there, on their own, without pressure or guilt from me. I didn't heed that warning for what it was, or maybe part of me knew it but didn't want to acknowledge it because I didn't want to let go.

Someone posted an article on facebook today about why the author hopes her ex was the love of her life. Titled to make you go "huh?" but I totally got it after reading it and is related to my above thought. She basically said that love was "too much" - he was the first thing she thought about in the morning, the last thing at night, and that it was a "rollercoaster of missing him, loving him, hating him, and needing him." Boy do I know that rollercoaster. And in the future in whatever R I may be in I'm going to keep what she said in mind:

"I don’t want someone to be my other half, I want someone who makes me feel whole on my own. I don’t want to miss someone so much it hurts, I want to know that even when I am apart from him I can trust him and know that he is coming home to me. I don’t want him to be my last thought when I go to bed at night because I want him to be beside me when I go to bed at night. I don’t want him to be the best part of me, I want him to encourage me and push me to be the best self I can be on my own. I want a partner. I want someone I can rely on 24 hours out of the day, seven days a week. I want a love that makes me smile and go to bed completely content with my life, not one that keeps me up at night."

That is what I need to seek -someone (maybe it's my H, maybe not) who doesn't consume my life and thoughts, where we can be individuals with our own needs, wants, activities, and life without constantly feeling like I'm missing him or being jealous or insecure. One day...