Not sure I understand your question, Jefe. I'm saying it's fog -- gaslighting. It's right up there (and I know the DB forum doesn't advocate exposure, but) when a betrayed spouse exposes the affair and then the wayward spouse says "Well NOW you've done it! I WAS going to consider reconciling with you, but NOW YOU'VE BLOWN THAT CHANCE!" and of course the dreaded "I love you but I'm not IN love with you."
I'm just trying to (continue to) encourage Shodan to make his decisions based on his own core values, his non-negotiable boundaries, and those things that *HE* genuinely believes he needs to work on and change. Not on what his wife pushes back with while she still hasn't ended her affair, because that's going to be a deflection at best and gaslighting at worst.
Furthermore, even IF Shodan believes he has been too controlling at other times in the past in their marriage, it STILL doesn't mean that he should necessarily waver on his current non-negotiable boundaries right now. "I'm not willing to live in an open marriage" is certainly a reasonable boundary and position to take, and if his wife refuses to end her affair in light of that, then Shodan clearly has a decision to make. Is allowing the consequence of that boundary (up to and including divorce) to kick in "controlling?" Or is he simply saying "Look, I told you what I could and couldn't abide, and you either didn't take me seriously or you were unwilling to end your affair, but either way I can't live like that."
Put more simply, I believe there is a time where one HAS to control the process that could potentially break up one's family. His wife clearly doesn't have their marriage's best interests at heart right now, confused or not, so that leaves Shodan to be the leader. And sometimes leaders have to "control."
