standing for me

[Ahoy]

I'm actually more angry because of my daughter now being suspicious and wondering why he's not communicated (he has not responded to her texts today at all). She spent an hour crying in my arms this evening. I validated, told her that I'm sorry if by me being upset if I had upset her. Told her that she should not feel like she is in the middle or has to choose sides. That she doesn't have to like H's decisions but that it should not interfere with her love for him, because this has nothing to do with her. She is upset at the speed at which he moved out. It was a fast and big change for her, and she is still upset by it.

She says she cries every night.

I know I was upset earlier when she pointed out that she had seen his car. I'm sure she could tell I was miffed and upset. I need to be better at keeping my emotions in check -- something I told her I would work on. But that I'm also human, and I have emotions and sometimes fail. But I will try to be better and help her with her own emotions too.

So painful to watch her struggle through this.

[Ahoy]

I also told her that we should give H the benefit of the doubt - he might have gotten a ride to airport, and his new iPhone might not be working properly.

It's a stretch, but whatever. It could be true. I hope it is, for her sake.

[raliced]

I know I was upset earlier when she pointed out that she had seen his car. I'm sure she could tell I was miffed and upset. I need to be better at keeping my emotions in check -- something I told her I would work on. But that I'm also human, and I have emotions and sometimes fail. But I will try to be better and help her with her own emotions too.

So painful to watch her struggle through this.

You said it yourself - you're human, Ahoy. I dunno, I don't know the perfect thing to do in this situation, or even the right thins, and heaven knows I've been reading reams about this and there seem to be a lot of opinions. I think there would be an issue with showing no emotions. Might not that seem to them that we don't really care about the demise of the marriage, or that we're some sort of Stepford Mom? I don't think them seeing us greive or get angry once in awhile is a problem - its becomes an issue if we become consumed by these emotions and they define our daily lives.

I know this space that you're in, we're your pretty postive about the affair, but the details are still vague. I still waffle about whether or not my H is living with his OW. It's a lot worse than not just knowing for sure.

Hugs to you and your daughter.

[Shakspr]

Ahoy, please check out the 5LL of Teenagers book. It's a big help to me right now, especially because my SS15 isn't talking much, but when he does, it's pretty snippy.

Your D is at an age when crying for a good spell is actually normal, but add in the sitch with your H, and those feelings just can't stop pouring out.

I'm behind you over here, so keep standing. Lean into us whenever you need to.

[Ahoy]

Thank you, Shakspr. BTW, nice to have so many good TX men on this board. I'm a TX gal, though living in another state now. Would love to move back once this nonsense is over to be closer to family.

I will definitely check out the 5LL of Teenagers. I should really be focusing all of my energy on making things okay for her as best I can, since there's nothing much I can do about anything else at the moment. I think I'll take a field trip to the library today.

Can I just say -- I find it so embarrassing to be that woman who is always checking out self-help books from the library? I know it is ridiculous to feel this way. After all, help is help, and I certainly need it.

[South74]

Shouldn't find it embarrassing should be thinking that all the reading of these self help books will make you and all of us that read them amazing people .
I find that when you start talking to people about the 5LL it seems yo hit home and then next thing they are going on date nights with there partners etc so some good does come out of it as does all the advice from the wonderfull people on this forum.

[Shakspr]

Yeah, I recommended to a couple at church that they simply take the online quiz and exchange answers. They are very, very happy that they did!

[Maybell]

Thanks for the book rec, I'm going to check that one out too.

Ahoy, I'm very grateful for the self-serve check out at my library.

I tried to do the 5LL quiz with my H before he moved out but the message he gave me was that nothing I did mattered to him. He didn't need anything, he said.

[Jefe]

"Can I just say -- I find it so embarrassing to be that woman who is always checking out self-help books from the library? I know it is ridiculous to feel this way. After all, help is help, and I certainly need it."

Why would you feel that way? The people around you should sit up and take notice to the gal that is willing to do anything to make herself better, even at the expense of feeling embarrassed at the library. Hold your head up and be proud when you walk out with these books!

[Card29]

Ahoy, I've had crazy emotional swings from reading into something and my WAW is not even in an A. So I don't blame you for your reaction. But you can choose to keep working on it. Each reaction or setback is a drop in a bucket. Don't focus on the drops, focus on the leak. Maybe until you have a better handle on emotions, choose a driving route that is not within eyesight of his house? Just a suggestion.

Detachment has to be so much harder for you since your D14 is there. She should not be expected to detach from her dad, and she also should expect to be able to confide in you. That's a really tough sitch for you. But even though it is brutal, there is one simple question: To DB or not to DB?