This is so true too. He cannot come back as he is now, or even how he was. I cannot be the person I have been and was.
Exactly. Because that didn't work. With 2 "whole" people that have the desire to work on the R, it is the deepest, most fulfilling M that can come from that.
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We BOTH need to use this time to grow and hopefully one day we will grow back together but I need to learn that I will be ok, even if we do not reconcile
As far as BOTH of you using the time...Ideally. Yes. We can hope for our H's to do the same. They may not. But that is not within your control.
Besides, even if we told them exactly what to do, unless and until they are ready to receive that information, and work through it, it will not mean diddly to them.
They have to first realize the need. Then they have to decide to do the work. And they have to do this on their own. The best thing is to stay out of their way.
The energy focusing on whether they do or they don't face their demons, is a waste of headspace that could be used on YOU. So many on this board wished they started their GAL and working on themselves sooner. Many regret wasting time on H. Really do it, fth. You will not regret it.
"You" are the best investment you could make right now.
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Is it really just a *decision* to let him go and let God handle it? I know I need to do that and somehow I feel like I can't.
Fth, I have asked the same thing.
It is not as easily done by making a simple decision. It is a process. It's also one of the most difficult parts to this. It will take a long time.
You're discovery of ow is still very new for you. What you are thinking, feeling, wondering are all to be expected. All of us here who learned of ow/om have been exactly where you are. And fth, I believe you are exactly where you should be in this.
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I guess I figure if I let go of H he will not make it without me.
I know you want to fix him. I did, too. It's what I've always done. Fix things. Make it all better.
It was written to me once, that he has to do this for himself, in order to learn the valuable part of his own journey. It is his. If you tried to fix it for him, even if he came back for a while, he would have skipped over some important steps along the way.
You want him. Of course you do. To me, truly loving him doesn't mean you want him with you at all costs. Loving him is stepping aside for a while, and allowing him to focus on himself, while you focus on YOU.
The truth is, fth, you don't want him back as he is now. You could tactically draw him toward you, but it would not succeed. Not long term. You would end up exactly where you are now, possibly stalling any chance of reconciling.
He has to get through all of it. He has to make a choice to work on the M from a place of health. You have to make the choices from a place of strength.
Even then, there are no guarantees. Becoming the best fthnluv you can be, gives your M the best possible chance. I know it's hard. You can do this.
Take care of fth. There is no better place for your attention.
