It doesn't feel like a fairytale anymore...

[fthnluv]

Fth, we can't lead them. This is a journey that we were not invited to go on. He has to do this on his own. He just has to. That's the only way this works, for him to see it through to the end and come out whole.

I like how you say this is a journey we are not INVITED to go on. I never looked at it like that. It's like he's taking a trip and says "no, you can't come". I can't change that and he will go alone. He must go alone... And I must go on a journey too, alone. I must go on a journey to discover who I am, without him and not just as a Mom either. I am coming to realize that this really is the way it MUST be.

What I learned, for me, was that I would rather see my H become the man he is meant to be, than have him turn around and come back without learning what he must. To face his demons so he can live a life of peace. So he can become the man God intends, regardless of me. I wouldn't want him to be deprived of the gift of wholeness.

I had to decide to love him enough to let him go. Do I still hope we reconcile? Oh, yes. Very much so. Before that happens, there must be growth.

This is so true too. He cannot come back as he is now, or even how he was. I cannot be the person I have been and was. We BOTH need to use this time to grow and hopefully one day we will grow back together but I need to learn that I will be ok, even if we do not reconcile.

Is it really just a *decision* to let him go and let God handle it? I know I need to do that and somehow I feel like I can't. It's like the image in Titanic where Rose lets Jack go and he dies. I guess I figure if I let go of H he will not make it without me. Not that H is giving me any other choice, in fact he's pushing my hands off his and saying "let me go". I need to work on this. I think I'll begin to pray that God helps me let him go.


So, I finally told my parents about H filing for D tonight. My Dad is mad but supports me in standing for our M and says he will welcome H with open arms should he choose to come around for D4's party or anything else. That is a relief, because my Dad tends to get a little testy and speak what is on his mind (I wonder where I got it?). He will support me in welcoming H so that is a huge relief. I also told my Grandmother (who I am VERY close to, and she knew some of what was going on prior to D filing) and she also supports me and H completely and was telling me about 2 different sets of family friends where they split and reconciled after anywhere from 3-7 years and are still married to this day, happily. It seems that most everyone I tell my story to tell me of someone they know that has reconciled. I'm not sure if that is God trying to give me hope or if it's just the law of averages...