It's H's weekend with D. We all spent the day together yesterday at the pumpkin patch and he invited me to see BoxTrolls. His first invitation to me since BD. I didn't read too much into it because it was likely D's idea.
I talked to D tonight before bed. She had an amazing day. They hung out with old friends of H's from when he was a kid. They have triplet daughters just 1 year older than D.
Something hit me while i was talking to her and I started to cry. Ugh. CRY while on the phone with D. I freaking hate this limbo.
It's only human to want to know answers, to want to talk through a limbo situation. I feel like it's moderate torture to sit around waiting for someone to make notice of you and your changes when things like CHILDREN and my heart and our lives are hanging in the balance. Waiting around is NOT humane! I just want to kick H and tell him "DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?" He's making me hate him.
I realize that compared to many other people's situations, mine is relatively straight forward (no clear, defined MLC or OW, we get along ok, we're great coparents, etc) so saying I am starting to hate my H after all many of your H's and W's have done and said to all of you makes me feel like I'm a spoiled princess but it's still painful. Excruciating to sit around waiting for him to decide whether or not I'm worthy while I hone and perfect my relationship skills with a tiny bit of hope to get to share them with HIM for the sake of our family!!
I could scream. I am so over this [censored] but there's nothing I can do to speed it up or for H to see that he's wasting away a perfectly good W and great times with our family. Why can't get "find himself" while living at home?! Get over his anger while living at home?! I have to. I have to do all that while not getting to escape my life.
I need to find something harmless to throw around for a bit.
