In limbo, need to figure out next steps (thread #5

[25yearsmlc]

I am confused more than anything else. When my W and I are together, things can be pretty great. We act and look like a marriage couple sans any true affection. She lays on me at night and we sleep very well together.

But my concern is that allowing this to happen will only give her the oppty to stay in her A and have all of her needs met by two men. She has no reason to stop the A.

I do believe I Understand where you are coming from. It's a valid point of view.

I merely submit another possibility. (NO, it's NoT that she's being a great wife).

But the way you and some others post above, I have to ask you if you REALLY think your wife is "just fine" with having two men in her world?

You believe that she feels great about having an affair AND knowing that you are deeply wounded by it? Sure, she was hurt and angry and lonely a long time but I am not ready to believe that your wife is "just LOVING every minute of her groovy 'taking it all' lifestyle

No, I think she's confused; i think she is in some or a lot of pain and IMO, she very much wishes she knew what she wanted AND OR that she knew she could trust the changes you are making

and that you won't revert to ways she could not abide by, if you two reconcile too soon.

Please do Not oversimplify my comment to say that I believe you should do nothing...it's not that. It's just that the "cake eating" is a phrase I strongly believe is thrown around too much and used too loosely.

Jmho.

Hence my boundaries: I will not share my W with a third party.

Saying this^^ makes sense if you know what you will Do about it and when...or the criteria you'll use for deciding..I get it and think that's smart.

It's just the rigid application of something out of anger that concerns me...a lot. And anger Might be a factor in how you got here in the first place.

That's why it's hard to assess for you. WE don't know if it was or if that's something your spouses uses to justify her choice.
OTOH, do you think your wife is really the type of person to just "TAKE" an affair indefinitely? And this would be done by her, even though
things between you two were great?

I mean, it is pretty rare for a woman to have an affair that "means nothing",to her, wheres some men who have affairs claim that very thing.

Sure, the cheating man might be lying, but that's not point. The point is that the affair of a wife can be more threatening to the m b/c of what it means about the marriage itself.

Do you get what I mean? (You don't have to agree, but am I being clear enough?)


Anyhow, it all just goes back to You having some hard work to do so that you can feel less fearful that this will happen again (b/c your "insurance policy", which is not foolproof and nothing ever is, is that your changes are going to lessen the chances of her wanting to break her marriage vows again. Make sense?

Guess it boils down to this: Most wives don't break their vows casually. Your wife doesn't have a history of selfishly grabbing what she wants without regard to your feelings.

On the contrary, from the things you have said about her (not that much but enough to get a thumb nail sketch), she's just not the "cake eating" type IMO To me the danger isn't cake eating so much just letting things take too long for you to feel alright and to make sure the respect she has for you doesn't falter in any long term way.

H's in situations like this have to find serious inner reserves in themselves to put their wounded egos aside, and dig deep to figure out their roles in this...and then to do THEIR work and also set healthy boundaries. Absolutely keep the channels open, and that has to be agreed to by both of you.

Once she says or you believe that the OM is out of the picture, AND that she wants to work on the m, IMO< you need to be ready to say He11 yes ---with some conditions on both of you...whatever it is she needs from YOU

and the transparency and other factors You need FROM HER-all come into play. Not yet...

I never insist or believe that people have to agree on the past, (and there are several reasons for me saying that but they are time consuming at the moment).

I think you must agree on your future. The "From this day forward" clause of our vows comes to mind...kind of brilliant...


Part of me wants to just give her time to sort out her life. Based on the convos that we have had, she had a lot of bottled up hurt and anger. She just was not happy and admits to never telling me. She had been thinking about asking for a D for a long time.


Wow, that's ^^^ A Lot to have been dealing with. So, what do YOU make of all ^^^ that?

Further, since she is cooling it with the OM (to some extent) part of me wants to give her time and not continue to push for the D and just let it play out.


I hear that.^^

Here are some of the signs of her cooling it with him:
- she is spending WAY less time in NYC
- when she goes, she has gone on first flights out in the morning or taken the last flight home...she easily could have stayed another night

Agreed...it Seems like you are onto something.

- I am gone this weekend in FL visiting my parents and my kids are with my MIL...she is alone for two days yet she is home and not in NYC (I have spoken with her a few times this weekend about my mom (she had a massive stroke) and have a good sense for what my W has done this weekend...the OM is not there)
- her text exchange with him implied that she is cooling it

But, she still is in contact with him via phone and text. Even if the PA has now become an EA, the EA still is damaging to our R.

So what do I do? Give her time and be patient OR enforce my boundary that I will not share my W with a third party.

Sounds like you are saying "On one hand things seem to be going my way and this battle looks like I'm going to win it- as long as I keep my changes going and We keep channels open, etc.

BUT OTOH, I'm still really hurt and angry and so..."

SO, what you are doing is working in your favor. To ME, I'd be warning you not to blow it b/c your approach is helping you two, not hurting and so I can't see why you would change course now, assuming things are as they seem.

Without becoming a doormat (which I don't think you are at all...yet at least)

Why not ask your DB coach about all this?
B/C my take on it and Starsky's will vary.

I think what you are doing is working. Do you?