Thanks, uR. I am getting there. I had a moment today, a good moment. One in which you can feel yourself jump over the hurdle.
I was thinking about all that I have to do with this house. I don't feel angry with xh about it. I was overwhelmed for quite some time with the burden left, on top of putting myself together, picking up the remains of my children, and carrying on- doing everything.
I haven't felt angry at him about it for quite some time. Not that part, anyway. The betrayal- yes. But the burden, nope. I feel like I have the opportunity right now to really show what I'm made of. To myself. It does not matter what other think. People always have an opinion. Does it matter. Well, not really. I'm the one who has to be in my skin everyday. I can hear what I want and leave the rest.
I have this amazing opportunity to really be me. Without the influence of anyone. I don't let anyone tell me what to do or how I should react. I come here because I value input, as others understand. I take what I like, what I feel benefits me. That means, I do have to take the things that are hard sometimes, too. The things that make me better. Challenge myself. Look inward.
I have lots of thoughts. I'm gonna get to them quite soon. There is a lot to let out. I am also ready to get to AJ's questions from my last thread. You know... life and all that. Ha, excuses, right?? Naaaawwww.... lots of thinking about it.
Yesterday was the closest I've been to xh since the first week of June. I can't believe 4 months. I remember it quite well. He was leaning in my car, so nice and connecting. I said, "You're peeling," as I picked off a piece of skin from his arm. Turns out... it was from his cruise. I had no idea.
What a difference... yesterday.... the closest time... I didn't give him the time of day.
It's weird, ya know?
D13 was supposed to do something with xh today. She does not like to be alone with him- AT ALL! And since s17 saw him yesterday, it was her turn. She wanted to bring a friend, and he said no. He is so cheap, I swear. She said if her friend can't go, she isn't (to the movies). So he didn't go! OMG! I don't get involved at all. I don't say a word. She tells me, she is so annoyed, she hates dealing with it. I just listen.
I see my sweet little girl hardening. I don't like it. She is soooo sarcastic. I don't mind that at all... I know right where she gets it! ME! But, it is like her defense mechanism. OK, so that's me too. Geesh. But she is not so loving anymore. S17 is not afraid to hug me, and he is very affectionate. D13, not so much. And we have always been like that, but now she pushes me away. She is hard-core.
She is hilarious and well-rounded. But I worry. At least she tells me things about their communication. But really, she does not like to talk about xh. At all.
S17 went to movies w xh last night. It went well... movie and straight home. I wonder if hww has a tight leash? Oh well.. not my deal. S17 said xh didn't even mention senior day and not walking out with us.
